Academic

As I noted last night, the challenge in reading Battle Hymn of Tiger Mother, is that you are torn between agreeing, screaming at the book, and laughing out loud.  Here are some more specific examples of each:

For when I empathize with Chua, I particularly loved the explanation of how no Chinese kid would ever come home with all sorts of rehearsal time requirements in order to play Villager Number Six in the school play.  Total waste of time.  Being the mother of three with no demonstrated theatrical talent (other than in their screaming to me), I?d always ask, every so gingerly, if one of the boys wanted to try out for the school play and was always quite delighted to hear the answer ?no?.  Another note, later in book, where I empathize with Chua is when she talks about playdates.  I get it?they are fun for the kids and, believe me, it is a far better way to spend the afternoon watching your child play with someone else rather than watch tv or, horrors, actually having to play another round of Candyland yourself.  But, I do remember dreading, and sometimes still do, when a new child would be invited for a playdate.  How will they behave?  What will the boys do?  Do I have to supervise or can I slip off and be more productive? Ugh.    

A final example I really respected and tried to adhere to, is Chua?s explanation of pushing Lulu to play a very challenging piece, The Little White Donkey, rather than give up.  As Chua notes,

?Western parents worry a lot about their children?s self-esteem.  But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child?s self-esteem is to let them give up.  ?there?s nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn?t.? 

I agree so much.  And?what if your child really can?t do it?  How can you gauge in advance if they can?  What if you scar them for life (the unspoken fear of us all)?  Later in the book, Chua discusses how Chinese parenting does not address happiness.  This seems to be the crux of the dilemma for me.  How do we know what will make our kids happy?  Should that be our goal anyway (or should our goals be more tied to achievement?)   Florence, the mother-in-law, is often held up as the foil to Chua?s parenting, and worries that the children will be mad at you when you make them do things.  Here, I think I fall more with Chua than her mother-in-law.  I?ve often said to the boys that I am not interested if they like me (or don?t, since that is when this conversation inevitably happens.)  I don?t want to be their friend?that?s not my job.  (And of course, the meanest mommy title is always a goal!) But I do struggle with what is the frame in which they should judge themselves.  Happiness?  Achievement? Something else?

Chua deals with this issue again later in the book pointing out that her parenting is taking years off her life and is not all that enjoyable.  Christy challenges this in her post?Chua has got to be benefitting herself from the success of her daughters?and I agree.  We feel a sometimes completely unjustified pride in the accomplishments of our children (I am quite confident that I have nothing to do with my sons? abilities to catch a baseball as well as they do) but I get regularly congratulated at little league games for their skills and I?d be lying if I said I didn?t enjoy it.  On the other hand, I get that harassing your children about music practice or doing homework is, as Chua notes, ?miserable, exhausting, and not remotely fun.?  Since I?ve just spent last night harassing my children over homework, (rather than finishing this post!), I can definitely speak to the ?not remotely fun? part of parenting.  I have pointed out that the rate at which I need to color my hair is perhaps linked to age, but definitely feels like it is directly linked to the increasing amount of homework and problems that my growing children bring home. 

So here?s where I was screaming at the book.  First, when Chua discusses parental favoritism, she notes that all cultures have stories about this including the Bible.  True?as cautionary tales, not as examples.  Cain and Abel or Jacob and Esau are not something that any of us actually aspire to and I try as much as possible not to compare my boys to one another.  They do that enough. 

Similarly, Amy asks her children, ?Do you know what I went through to get this job at Yale?? as a way to urge them to work.  And we as readers know that this must not have been easy?the agony of being turned down for the job only to be later courted, is only hinted at in the book.  Yet I think Chua is missing some of the joy of parenting here.  The thing that I have always loved about children is that they genuinely don?t know what you went through to get your job or to be successful or even to have a good day at work?and they don?t care.  It?s not their problem.  This can be liberating?what happens at work, stays at work?or debilitating?you can?t imagine my day and now I have make a castle from popsicle sticks???but it is a fact of parenting.  And this type of urging?I work hard so you should too?seems to be wholly ineffective.

And finally, for straight out laughing, nothing beat the reflections on Coco.  I found these hilarious, if for no other reason than we too gave into demands to get a puppy last year.  (His picture and my blog about it are here.)  I didn?t want the dog and viewed this as a failed negotiation which I had handed to my husband, who then promptly caved to my sons.  Nonetheless, you better believe that his training and obedience?which is mostly better than my boys?is a measure of my parenting skill!  At least I can get something in the house to respond to commands without talking back.