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: A Public Defender's Life in Alaska

By A Public Defender's Life in Alaska

So, happy Alaskan Halloween. I had intended this time to talk about my grim vision of the future and about how the choices that we make are sliding us into an ugly future. I still intend to write about that soon. Instead, despite the fact that this is a public forum, I intend instead to write about an intensely personal subject. I do so not for answers or sympathy. I do so with a full understanding the risk that scorn and derision may follow. I guess I do so only with the slim hope that writing about it will help focus my thoughts. Quite simply, I am depressed. I cannot address why. I cannot get around the fact that objectively, there is no reason to feel the way I do. I am where I want to be. Doing what I want. I am generally healthy and happy. I am surrounded by some of the finest people on Earth. I cannot ignore the fact that my feelings impact those around me and my relationships suffer. Yet I cannot shake this feeling. It is like concrete setting around me. It is awful. I am having a hard time facing my life, my responsibilities. Do you ever have an awful feeling that life is passing you by? It is odd: when I take stock of where I am and why and my life as a whole, on a wholly intellectual level, I feel fine. But my emotions control right now. Nothing seems to cheer me up. I know this will pass. I know it will pass because it is inevitable that it will. I know it will pass because this is so unusual for me. I know it will pass because it must. Fall will become winter (the snow I was sure would stay is long gone). Winter will become spring. And spring will become halibut season. I guess that makes me feel a tiny bit better. Of course Kadee has more power over me with her little finger than any of you could possibly imagine. If there is one single point, I suppose that is it.

Full post as published by A Public Defender's Life in Alaska on October 31, 2007 (boomark / email).