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John McCain Speaks

By TChris

A condensed version of John McCain's convention speech:

I want to thank the president for keeping us safe from more attacks like the one that he failed to prevent during his first term.

As a first lady, Cindy will rock.

I respect Sen. Obama. We're both Americans. But only one of us was a POW.

After I win, I'll work closely with any other patriot who was a POW.

My friends, please shut up with the "USA" chants. I have to finish this in prime time, before I get cut off for the local news.

I know it's tough to be unemployed. If we didn't have a government, you'd all still have jobs. Sarah Palin will help me do away with government.

Sarah Palin has a lot of kids, just like me. We could start our own little town in Alaska.

Change is coming. We'll fix stuff. We're maverick repairmen.

I fought corruption. You don't remember that Keating thing, do you? I'm the only Republican who didn't take money from Jack Abramoff.

Everything the crazy Democrats in Congress want to spend money on, I'll veto. Everything. I swear I will.

I won the war in Iraq. The surge was all mine. I'd rather lose an election than see my country lose a war. Have you ever heard that before?

Let me give you the names of some people I'm fighting for. I can't tell you exactly what I'll do for them if I'm elected, but I'm fighting for them anyway. Mostly I'm fighting to get elected.

Republicans lost your trust by being corrupt. I want nothing to do with Republicans. I'm all about change. And Lincoln. And Roosevelt (not saying which Roosevelt).

Republicans believe in stuff. We believe in letting rich people keep their money. We believe in judges who don't legislate from the bench unless they're overturning laws that regulate businesses.

My opponent will raise taxes. (Boo.) He'll increase spending. (Boo.) He'll eliminate all your jobs. (Boo.) He won't let you visit your doctor. (Boo.)

Unemployment compensation is outdated. We're going to eliminate it. That will help the economy by forcing you to find a job, even if it's at McDonald's. In the meantime you can go to a community college to study fast food restaurant management.

We need to give parents a choice about which underfunded school their kids should attend. Rich parents will be able to send their kids to private schools, just like always. That's change.

We're going to cut the rest of the world off from foreign aid. That'll make other countries stop hating us.

We're going to drill, drill, drill. We'll even drill in the back yards of all the nuclear power plants we'll build. This will make our planet healthy.

It's time to start new wars. Iran and Russia come to mind. That's change. I hate wars, but I love to start them. We can only achieve peace by starting new wars.

I will reach out my hand to anyone who doesn't bite it. I have scars. Call me Scarface. Obama is scarless. Can you trust a man who isn't scarred?

Did you know I was a POW? No really, I was. I never loved my country until I became a POW. Wait, didn't Michelle Obama get in trouble for saying something like that?

I don't think I'm all that and a bag of chips like Obama does.

You should join the military or become a teacher or whatever so you can serve a cause greater than yourself. My cause is becoming president of the greatest country on Earth.

I'm going to keep talking through the applause in the hope that the broadcast network stations haven't switched to local news.

Full post as published by TalkLeft on September 05, 2008 (boomark / email).