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Ok, maybe that is a *slight* exaggeration. However, in the past 4 months there have been more shifts and splits and tears and just plain awful then I think one person is truly equipped to deal with.  Some dear friends have been let go, with harsh words spoken. Other friends have disappointed beyond all measure. There has been a fundamental shake-up to my inner circle, and I've recently found out that my core family is about to have another drastic change. To sum it up I have to borrow a line from a country song (they do have the market on the melancholy blues): 

  "Time changes everything, life must go on." 

While some friendships simply die, or change so much that you simply can't recognize where you once began, some end quickly in a fiery ball of flame. Unfortunately that has happened to me, and BISMOW, and a few of our other close friends. It seems that you never really know someone, truly to their core, and sometimes when you have the opportunity to see what lies below, you won't like what you see. Not one bit. 

I suppose when there is someone on the short-list of being a Godparent to any little bouncing bundle of joy that might appear (YEARS down the road, I do solemnly swear!!) and you discover, they are in fact, a person with an entire second life and personality, you blame yourself. You wonder where your judgment went. Out the window with your New Year's Resolutions? I suppose I will always wonder if it is me who should have known better. I know there are others out there struggling with these very thoughts right now. People whose hearts I cannot heal, although if I had the magic potion to do so, I would not hesitate to use it. 

That said, I've been trying to focus on the positive things among the grey. BISMOW and I are still madly (go ahead, vomit here!) in love and happy and realize how wonderful our close friends are. The ones who are still bravely hanging on tightly to the frayed ropes that once wound a close-knit group of friends, no, family. The family you make in your home away from home-home. 

But today, amid these heavy thoughts, and on only two hours of sleep (I spent the night trying to fix the proverbial Humpty Dumpty) I went to the bank to cash my very first real-lawyer paycheck. The one with an entire 1/3 gone to taxes. (A complaint I'm sure I'll properly lodge another day.) As I filled out the forms, and imagined the celebration dinner I'm heading off to in a moment, the teller asked me if I'd like to take a second to have my photo taken for my debit card. 

My photo. Of my face. To put permanently on the check card I use every single day. 

Which would capture my unwashed, unstyled hair that is horrible need of a trim, my dark circles, my washed out face, my grief and angst. 

And all I could do was laugh. 

And it felt wonderful. 

(Editors Note: Tomorrow I'll be back to my regularly scheduled klutziness & nonsensical babbling.) 

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