Law Students

Thoughts on Gay Marriage II

My best friend is a lesbian. I feel strange saying that because it reeks of the kind of justifications you hear from certain kinds of people. You know the kind:

Well yeah, I tell gay/racial/intellectual handicap insensitive jokes, but I don't mean it. Some of my best friends are gay/black/retarded.

So let us just proceed under the assumption that I'm not that person, mmk? I met my best friend freshman year high school. We didn't go to the same college, and only talked occasionally and saw eachother on break. We always made it a point to see eachother for New Year's if nothing else. There were the occasional boyfriend stories. Then there were no stories for a while, but that was understandable for other reasons that don't really matter here.

One night, about twelve years ago, I went over for a visit. We hung out all evening, caught up on things, drank some wine, and laughed. Like always. Then it was time for me to go. Just as I was gathering my stuff, I saw her face, she had tears in her eyes when she said

I have to tell you something. I've wanted to tell you for a while. But I am in love with M.

(M was her college roomate with whom she was still living).

I was the first person she came out to, other than her brother who had asked her point blank. She said my face went from surprise to confusion to sympathy, when the first words I said to her were:

Does she know??

She laughed and clarified--yes, M knew--they were together and had been for a while. I had thought it was some sort of unrequited pining and thought that explained the tears. No, the tears were because she was terrified of how I would react, and was afraid she'd lose a friend.

We still laugh about this. 'Does she know?' is still the best, if most confusing, response she has ever gotten. Twelve years later, now that I count a number of lesbian and gay couples among my friends, I don't think my first reaction would be to wonder if it was an unspoken, one-sided thing. I guess I have fundamentally different assumptions now.

I was at their civil union ceremony. I wrote a letter of recommendation for M's second parent adoption of the son C bore and they raise together. I was pro civil union. I was against DOMA and anything that would keep same sex couples from getting the benefits I do before the law--like the ability to file joint tax returns.

But for a long time, I was not pro gay marriage.

There will be a third installment.

Full post as published by Butterflyfish on November 25, 2008 (boomark / email).