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Mid-Day With Madoff- What's Everyone Kvetching About??!

Before I say anything more about the meshugenahs that keep kvetching "Bernie and $50 billion this, and $50 billion that..," lets do some housekeeping. Then we can get to the score keeping..

1. To you shmendrick kids down in Palm Beach--I'm happy that you got your two minutes of fame with the stupid toilet paper prank. You were smart for not talking so much, about who you are and what you know. Be like Bob Jaffe, and just keep your mouths closed, and you won't get into trouble. God forbid Dick Fuld should be so smart.

To show you that I've got no hard feelings, Ruth told our housekeeper not to file any charges. But just so you know, the security cameras we installed took pictures of all of your faces; if you show up again, you won't be so happy. And I won't let your parents invest in MIDAS when the time comes.

2. To Linda Thomsen. I heard that you're going to be grilled later today by some senators about how the SEC manages to screw up so much. I'm thinking you might want to want to go to the Capital Grille for lunch before you make your appearance. Ira's reserved a table for you in the back area so that he can help prep you. He'll be in the back right room, in the corner. He's the guy with the full head of silver hair.

Between you and me, I know those people on the Committee asked a bunch of stupid questions the first time they met, but be patient with them; half of them couldn't find their own pupic, especially that idiot on the committee that doesn't know what SIPC is.

Personally, I think you and your team have always done a fantastic job. If it weren't for the close relationship that my firm has always had with the SEC, how else would Shana have met the love of her life, Eric?

If any of those senators or congressman get testy with you, and question your abilities to audit and investigate firms like mine, Ruth says you should just ask them what the f--k any of them did to make sure there were controls in place before handing $350 billion to Hank Paulson so that he could hand it to a few big banks??

And by the way, were any of those banks required to say what they were going to do with the money??? No. So what a surprise that money has completely disappeared in a matter of weeks, right?? See my point? Good.

When you get through the grilling, call Eric. We're going to have a few slots open in the compliance department for the MIDAS fund. I'm waiting for Thain to get back to me, but if he joins up, you two should get along fine. Especially if you like fancy carpets.

3. To Klaus Schwab, Chairman World Economic Forum: I appreciate your invitation for me to take John Thain's place at Davos. You are right, I have made it a point to be very philanthropic person throughout my business career.

When you consider the hundreds of millions of dollars in kickbacks that I bestowed on so many enablers, I suppose that does put me in a class by myself. That said, and regrettably, we'll have to pass on your invitation. Ruth is very upset at the moment and isn't in the mood to travel. Some f--king kids trashed our place in Palm Beach with toilet paper and Ruth is busy screaming at the housekeeper to make sure it all gets cleaned up

4. To the people in Nantucket asking about Mark and shark fishing. I haven't got a clue. As far as I know, he always liked going after pikers. But we've covered that topic.

5. Finally-enough with the $50 billion!! There was never more than maybe $15 billion on deposit with us. If that. Everyone seems to forget that there's almost $1billion in the goddamn accounts!

Listen: BofA is down 85% this year alone. And, I don't remember them ever paying the kind of returns that we paid our investors over the past 20 years! Same with Citi. Lets not talk about AIG or Wamu. Sure, we could have done what every one else did and said "Woops...sorry...we made some accounting errors, and we'll need to write down some assets..."

Or, we could have done what some of those hedge funds did and said "Woops...looks like we had a bad year; we're taking a 50% hit and returning what's left of your money and then opening a new firm someplace else.."

Listen---I was the f--king safe haven for those people...and if those hedge funds didn't get so damned leveraged and depend on me so much, none of us would be this mess!!

6. To Mr. Prince of Bel Air, the Hoyty Toyty Shicksa Shtupper...you know who you are...the one that wants to take credit for making babies with some some drugged out bimbo while your 90 year old Zsa Zsa is sitting at home. She didn't lose $14 million!! I just checked with Frank D. and Jodi on that topic. I already told you yesterday--your beef, if you have one, is with Chais. We don't like people that jabber too much, so if you keep it up, everyone will find out what you did with Zsa Zsa's loot. Oy.

To repeat: Everyone seems to forget that there's still $1billion in the goddamn accounts!! Sure, Mr. Irving Picard is probably hoping you'll forget it, and maybe pad the expense account, but when you count up the fees and commissions that all of the damn 'enablers' were getting, (and not just, Sonya, Ezra, the Noels, dopamine Jaffe, Sonny and Sonny, and Stan Chais, but plenty of others), even the stupidest kid on my trading desk can figure out who made the real money! Where did it go???

Ask Mr. Prince-Thats-Married to Zsa Zsa, ask that little whining kid Spitzer, or ask maybe 1000 other people if they didn't take out plenty of money along the way. Even ask Andy!! Or ask Sonny D. Or ask Sonny Cohn. Or ask Marcia Cohn....ask all of them if they didn't have money sent back to them. Carl's another story.. He didn't take out as much he put in. But he's over 90 now and how much can oatmeal really cost these days?

Me and Ruth?? We're quiet people...we don't have expensive needs...We've got the same house in Roslyn that we've had for twenty years, a small beach house in Montauk, and a little place on the Riviera..and a few cars. And they're f--king leased!! OK, the planes make it seem that I like to spend. But I share those with friends, and we got them when we were rolling the in the dough. And who likes flying commercial, anyway?? Those planes are filthy!!! Just ask those guys from GM and Ford!! They know what I'm talking about!

Listen, I might be crazy...and I know that Ira will prove that I am when the time comes, not just because everyone knows I've always worn a bathrobe and jammies in my office. But if f--king Citigroup just took delivery of a $50 million plane, when they're bankrupt and burning through TARP money, then I don't know how anyone can kvetch about me.

And btw- many thanks to the person that discovered that Ruth, me, and Shana have our names listed on the unclaimed funds directory with the State of New York.

If you send me your address (go to that gadget on the right where it says "Ask Me A Question"), I'll make sure that Sonny sends you a finders fee as soon as we collect. Ruth already called the state comptroller's office and they said it only takes about 4 weeks to get the checks sent.

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on January 27, 2009 (boomark / email).