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Markopolos Puts SEC in Crapper: Everyone's Pissing On Everyone; Madoff Family 's New Business Venture: Madoff Mania Inc.

I'm sitting here in my den, wearing one of my brand new bath robes and watching this guy Harry Markopolos testify before Congress on my 52" screen. All I can say is he makes me want to crap. I gotta believe that half the people at the SEC are also crapping in their pants right now!!!

Exactly why I've just gone completed a roll-up with my new friends Marc and Darren Polish at JustToiletPaper.com !! Along with my new partner Robbie Weinberg at PG-Wiz, the division that's making our new line of "Madoff's Piss On Pads" (which is perfect for urinals at country clubs, restaurants and office buildings!), I'm guessing that Ruth and I are going to make another fortune!!

Talk about recession proof products!! These are f--king depression proof! People are always going to need to visit the crapper or take a pee..and now they want to do it on Madoff!! I'm a genius!!!

Mark-pay attention--they only people buying fishing rods right now are Eskimos, or anybody else that's catching their own food for dinner. Read the f--king newspapers, or pay attention to the TV news; the only thing that people are buying right now are staples, that means necessary items -and we've got the most necessary items you can think of!!!

Look to the right column and choose anything you want!!

But anyway, that smarty farty guy Markopolos says he's an expert in fraud, and he's busy pissing on my good friends from the SEC. All that rambling on about how "everyone at the SEC should be shit-canned". And, he's got the balls to suggest that some of my investors were mobsters and gangsters??!!

Harry-Trust me...Very bad idea to be blabbing about "mobsters that were invested with Madoff". You need to take a break..maybe go down to Miami for a few days. Get yourself a good meal at The Forge -just don't jibber jabber there like you did on TV today!

So, what do I really think? I think what Harry said is shameful, despicable, and its un-American. But, when people start having big balls, that's exactly when I decide to buy into a golf ball company--the one started by my other new friend; the kid that needs to feed himself after his feeder fund went into the crapper.

OK--so maybe Harry's got a point; and maybe they're not so smart over at the SEC. Its not like I brought Shana's shagetz husband Eric on board because he was as bright as a light bulb. Right, Shana?

And, maybe those people over at the FBI aren't so smart either. After all, they've been spending all of their time going after that kid Mark Cuban on some stupid insider trading crap. But, what do I know?

I know that I've always been a lot smarter than everyone else!

So here's what I have to say: I'm a forgive and forget kind of guy, and I'm hiring for my new premium merchandise business. I think we should call it Madoff Mania Inc. And, I'm going to hire former Wall Streeters-that'll ensure Mike Bloomberg puts us at the top of the list when he dolls out money from that new investment fund intended to put Wall Street kids back to work.

I always made it a practice of hiring people that didn't ask a bunch of stupid questions--ask Mark. Ask Andy. Ask Frank. Ask Sonny or Sonny. Ask dopamine Bob Jaffe. Ask any of the kids that worked on 19. Don't ask Jodie.

That means I'm also offering a job to anyone from the SEC, including anyone that gets shit-canned as a result of Markopolos's testimony. I know that you people from SEC don't ask a lot of questions, and you're going to love our toilet paper line!

And, just like Markopolos told Congress that people should be compensated with bonuses, I'm going to give our new employees a big incentive.

We're going pay anyone that joins up a 15% commish on every roll of Madoff's Own Toilet Paper, every one of Ruth's Kosher Urinal Cakes, and on every Madoff golf ball that you sell.

Here's the "Ax Sheet" for the sales desk (everyone else can shop here--go to the right column!):

1. The Official Bernie Madoff Toilet Paper line; $24/3 pack.
This stuff is softer than Charmin! Trust me!!

2. Madoff Piss On Pads : $5.00 @, or just $49.00 for a 12 pack case!
Who's going to buy them?? Anyplace that's got a urinal!!! Country clubs, restaurants, office buildings, you name it!!! We love these!

3. Madoff Golf Balls: $17.99 for a 3 pack sleeve. Have Balls Just Like Bernie's!

If you can't sell for shit, and you're nothing but a little pisher, then I'm going to let you sell advertising and product placement on this blog. No brains required. This sells itself. Why?

We've got 4000 f--king unique visitors coming here every day!
52% are repeat visitors.
And they've got money to spend.
How do I know that???

Our traffic logs show that our visitors are the most sought after, just like the customers that I've always catered to! They're logging in from:

• Every major bank--so they've got plenty of FART money.
• Every major law firm--including all of the ones taking big fat retainers from "Madoff investors". Every major accounting firm in the US.
• And every major brokerage firm and hedge fund!

On top of that, we're an international brand name! We've got visitors coming in from over 72 other countries.

This is a no-brainer sales pitch..!!
Streaming returns!
Recession proof products!

Like I said before, people are always going to need to go the crapper or take a pee..and they want to do it on Madoff!!

Ruth!! Call up Mike Sullivan and tell him we're back in business! Get Avellino on the phone too..I hear he just got sued again and he's going to want to make some money quick.

Walter- New strategy! Have your kids get back on the phones. They've got three days to raise $2mil for our new premium merchandise business! Have them tell those investors that this is already oversubscribed! If they can't do it, slap them around. Otherwise, I'm going have to give the commish to Sonny Cohn and his people!

Sonny Delaire.-- Tell your kid Bret over at the NYSE to stop pissing in his pants. Markopolos made it clear that the SEC and FBI don't do shit when pee-on's tip them off! They only drop their donuts when someone with a bankroll sticks it under their nose. Trust me on that. Markopolos will back me up on it.

Frank D.- Call up Jodi and have her order more printer cartridges! We're going to be punching out thousands of sales statements this month!!

Sonny Cohn-Get your butt out of your chair and get over to Boca Rio and sell some golf balls! Show them the new toilet paper line, too!

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on February 04, 2009 (boomark / email).

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