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Dear Diary,

My boys - they may not be the brightest bulbs in the Baccarat chandelier, but they do protect me.

Of course, they each owe me millions, but they know I would never try to collect - unless I really, truly needed it. They have character, my boys! I wonder where they got it from? And who would I give to if not to my boys..?

They absolutely WOULD NOT allow their mother to go to see her Darling Bernie yesterday - the first visiting day. The guys all went, with Ira, of course.

They couldn't bring cigars because that asshole Mayor has decreed "no smoking" in the jails.. that must make the " clients" even more cranky - thank you very much, Mike Bloomberg. Make Bernie's life even harder, why don't you?

I was really at a loss as to what to send my Bernie after a week there. So, we decided on a white meat turkey sandwich, Russian dressing and Cole slaw from the Carnegie (he can eat the rest for dinner), and some fresh navel oranges for vitamins. The rest of the package - and those nasty guards look through every inch of every item, was some of my favorite hand sanitizer, more toilet paper - you heard about this one roll a week thing - I couldn't blot my lip gloss on one roll a week!; some magazines (without any sexy pictures), and a little love note from moi!!

Diary, I can tell you what my note said:

"Bernie, sweetheart, I know this is hard for you, but we are all so incredibly grateful for your sacrifice for us, your family. We had a meeting today at the Harvard Club ( terrible food- but BIG drinks), and we all wept a little thinking of you sitting there all alone with your thoughts.

Shana is wasting away to nothing - and she is thrilled about that. Andrew is busy with JDate - even in adversity he knows who he should be seeing socially. Mark ran the meeting like a real Mensch, until he got confused again about puts and calls and options, and Peter had to take over. He was still furious about the bedwetting issue, but he remembered where certain items were from a few years ago - the rest of us had forgotten all about the complete James Bond series and the "Diamonds Are Forever" DVD case. Oh , right, also the "Goldfinger" case.. good thinking, Ruthie.!

I hope some of your thoughts, when you are not worrying about the business and trying to figure out how to take over AIG for the family, are about little Ruthie - your only sweet girl since 50 years, and then some.

Such a life we had, darling. The trips, the planes, the shopping. All those evenings just the two of us, eating dinner at the clubs and resorts.. all alone - gossiping about the people who had made so much money because of YOU - ALL because of you, and you know that is totally TRUE!

They always wondered why we sat by ourselves. We adore each other's company, and we had our little secrets, didn't we.. ? So why make small talk with casual friends, when we could hold hands under the table and you could tell me every one's net worth. and I could tell you what the wives said about every one's " equipment" when we girls had a little wine after those Nine Hole tourneys.

You and I had a secret love affair - we laughed, we giggled, we made a little love. Remember when your Cialis kicked in on overdrive in Cap D'Antibes, and we couldn't leave the house for FOUR hours.. how much fun was that?.. We never dreamed of calling a doctor, until the fifth hour --mostly because I was so tired we had to stop.. My Man BERNIE!!!

So, sweetheart, right now it is tough, but i know you'll get out of there.. and I'll be waiting.. where, I don't exactly know right now. It looks like Palm Beach for a while - which I could totally live without since i hate it after Passover - everyone goes home and there are only the old, poor people - hobbling around Publix on their walkers, using coupons.

But I'll catch up on my reading and my movies and there are one or two people who still are behaving in a decent manner - more than I can say for most of those ingrates who cashed in for years and are now crying poverty.

I love you and miss you - and next week, no matter what the boys say, I'm coming down to give you a great big kiss, and whisper in your hairy ears about what is really going on you know where.

Big kisses from Your Ruthie to my BIG BOY BERNIE!

Well, Diary, back into your hiding place.. imagine if anyone ever found my dairy - it would be almost as bad as if they found my assets.

I said ALMOST!

Love, RAM ( Ruth Alpern Madoff)

photo courtesy of NY Daily News

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