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Living on the edge of reason in America; Gay Marriage in Iowa and the Swine Flu

By Steve Lombardi

Growing up a New Englander I attended college in Iowa and then decided to remain because people here still had common sense and were honest. I'm starting to wonder if it's not time to move back east.

The Iowa Supreme Court found Iowa must provide applications to marry to gay couples. The whole gay marriage thing has me worried. Oh, I'm not worried about gays getting married. I could care less about them marrying. No I'm worried about those that are worried about gays getting married and what they would do at a Constitutional Convention. If one is called you'll have every splinter group that has a "right" they want protected showing up with demands for inclusion. Non-lawyers trying to act like they have a law school education will be walking the floors of the convention proposing the most absurd ideas to protect their 'constitutional rights!'

The whole gay marriage thing has a lot of people in Iowa and around the United States worried. It doesn't seem to me that this issue should be center stage; because we've got a lot more to consider besides gays getting married, or the honeymoon, then settling in together and then finally getting divorced. (Trust me this could be good for some businesses.) To get a sense of what it's like to be in Iowa you'd have sit in the middle of a tornado and watch what is swirling around you. So, today we examine a few news items and you'll get a sense of what I'm talking about.

MICHIGAN HAS THE FIRST DOG DEFENDANT

First we travel to Michigan. It's reported that Inez M. Starks, a 55 year old woman from Eastpointe, Michigan sued a police dog for biting her during a confrontation outside of her daughter's home. According to the Macomb Daily the woman living across the street from her daughter came over to complain, a fight broke out and the dog attacked, biting her buttocks. For those of you unaccustomed to dealing with personal injury, that's the part of her anatomy just below her belt line on the back side. I wonder if the dog barked her rights before biting. You have the right to remain silent, ruff-ruff; anything you say can and will be used against you in a dog of law. Ruff-ruff!

In law school I heard the saying; a lawyer representing himself has a fool for a client. Consider the thought process that resulted in a decision to name a dog as a defendant. What were you planning on asking it at the deposition?

Q: What is your name?

A: Deponent pants but says nothing.

Q: Sit Fido sit! Counsel please control your client.

A: Okay get a treat. Good dog!

Who has the brain power to name a dog as a defendant in a lawsuit? In my 28+ years practicing law I've seen some stranger things, but not by much. Apparently the judge wasn't amused when there was no evidence to prove that Starks had been bitten. The judge ordered her to either pay $1,000 by a certain date or her case would be dismissed. The court order fines her $500 for suing the dog, who apparently knew the judge, and another $500 for failing to appear at the hearing. The judge must be a cat lover.

EXPLORING NEBRASKA WHILE TRYING TO SERVE GOD

What about the Nebraska legislator that sued God on terror charges? What was he thinking? How could you get God served with the Petition and Original Notice?

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers has had enough of plagues, famines, droughts, hurricanes, and genocides. Chambers considers these incidents to be terrorists acts. To stop them, he's suing the person responsible for them—God.

Funny how I have these conversations in my head:

"Okay, to serve God we will put the Petition and Original Notice in your pocket. After which we will shoot you in the head. When you get to Heaven head right to the Pearly Gates, once in enter and turn right. God is at the end of the hallway. Ready to draw straws to see who gets to go?"

Please I'm not picking on Nebraska. They asked for it when they named a horse track Aksarben. (If you need help Aksarben is Nebraska spelled backwards.) Wow that's original! I wonder how they came up with that name. Did I say creative? Please can you imagine the brain power employed to come up with this one?

BACK TO MICHIGAN

I wonder why the Michigan Judge didn't order a PET scan? Certainly a CAT scan would not be appropriate in the case of a dog bite?

A positron emission tomography (PET) scan is a unique type of imaging test that helps doctors see how the organs and tissues inside your body are actually functioning. The test involves injecting a very small dose of a radioactive chemical, called a radiotracer, into the vein of your arm. The tracer travels through the body and is absorbed by the organs and tissues being studied. Next, you will be asked to lie down on a flat examination table that is moved into the center of a PET scanner—a doughnut-like shaped machine. This machine detects and records the energy given off by the tracer substance and, with the aid of a computer, this energy is converted into three-dimensional pictures.

FISHING FOR POLITICAL CLOUT IN MINNESOTA

Today is Sunday and Minnesotans worry me more than Michiganders, Nebraskans and gays. Remember the Gophers? The Twin Cities? St. Paul and Minneapolis? Norm Coleman is their maybe-maybe-not Senator. Remember Norm is the same guy that took money from the Senator Stevens lobbyists who had a few campaign contribution problems and I think gave it back. Yeah that one, the same family values platform politician. Senator-Maybe-Maybe-Not-Coleman and I attended the University of Iowa at the same time. We knew each other through then VP, William Shanhouse. Norm is the guy who after deciding to run for the mayoral election in St. Paul adopted a Boston accent. Yeah I'm using supposition but figure it has to be phony because he attended Hofstra University in Nu Yuk. You probably didn't know that but the people of St. Paul sure liked it and he won the election. Come on Norm come clean.

Okay back to serious business of politics and how to fool people into voting for you. Minnesota is the place where they employ cute talking fish to sway elections.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E4RfT7J0_5Y

I Love This Talking Fish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhnvcuOOXyM

As an Iowan this whole Senator Coleman-Al Franken-slug-fest voting thing has me concerned as does the Nebraska God lawsuit. Add in the Michigan woman's suit against a dog, along with the Swine Flu and the next thing we will have is Missouri being led by George Brett invading Iowa's southern border on their way to steal Spirit Lake.

If Alaska were closer then I'd really be worried. Thank heavens Sarah Palin isn't a resident of an adjoining state like Minnesota. She'd be watching northern Iowa from her living room and thinking the old fighter jets the Iowa National Guard flies are running surveillance for Moscow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JXL86v8NoGk

And what about the Show Me State?

Did you know that Lake Chesterfield in Missouri just up and disappeared one week? Yeah it did. One day you own lake front property in good ole Missou and the next week you're docking up to a mosquito swamp. I wonder if the county assessor lowered their property values. Missouri is the show me state. My former brother-in-laws were from Newton, Iowa and Independence, Missouri. One late afternoon after cleaning the hog houses Jeff looked at Charlie's Missouri license plate and then asked me if I knew why it was the show-me-state. "Not really." was my reply. Jeff looked over at Charlie who was always from Missouri and said, "Because you have to show them how to do everything." I'm not sure those two were ever going to get along.

Sara Evans is from Missouri and I can't think of anything else that is better about Missouri, except maybe the Raphael Hotel.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0B1YMW28UI

At the University of Iowa I studied psychology. It was my major distraction. And on the wall of my dorm was a poster, and that poster read: Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

And so when they tell you we are all going to hell for gays having Constitutional Rights and the pandemic is somehow related, you don't have to believe them.

I'll bet you didn't know that.

SAFELY KISSING PIGS IN DECATUR, ILLINOIS

We now introduce Illinois into the-strange-but-true news. Yes, In Decatur, Illinois they have an annual kiss-a-pig charity fund raiser event and, you guessed it, they needed an expert opinion on whether kissing a pig could expose you to the Swine Flu!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/30527217#30527217

BACK TO REALITY

The stock brokers literally steal our retirement savings and all we can think about has nothing to do with real problems in America. What happened to those anti-establishment hippies standing out in the rain in 1969 at Woodstock? Are you dead or what? Who replaced you with these conservative yuppies who could care less about the truth than they do about sounding important and getting their 15 minutes of fame. If you're not dead then stand up and say let's get on with real business of changing this country.

We are just so naive. I think gays are the least of our problems; don't you?

HELP! THE BEATLES

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ibX3TejlZE

Originally posted at InjuryBoard by Steve Lombardi

Full post as published by Des Moines Personal Injury Lawyer on May 04, 2009 (boomark / email).