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Dear Whoopi Goldberg,

By Grace

I understand you've come out full force to defend your fellow famous person ("FFP"), Roman Polanski. Good for you!!! :-)

And by "Good for you," I mean, "Shame on you that is so fucked up and don't try to explain it away, because quite frankly you can't explain it away, and any attempt to explain it away is just another horrific and obnoxious slap in the face to sexual assault victims everywhere."

"It was something else but I don't believe it was rape-rape." -You

Rape-rape? Rape-rape? Now, Ms. Goldberg, I am a criminal prosecutor. And although I am fairly new, I think I have a pretty good handle on criminal law. And I reviewed my outlines, my class notes, and my Bar Bri books, and nowhere can I find a definition for "rape-rape"

But, since you're a celebrity, and therefore, I must believe you, and assume you're smarter than me, I will accept that you are right and attempt to define "rape-rape" as I believe you intended it.

Here you go:

Rape-rape [reyp-reyp] -noun The act of a man with a knife, gun or other such weapon, by use of physical force, inserting his penis into the vagina of a young, white, Christian, virgin, female who has never consumed alcohol or drugs, and who the man has never met. Oh, and who is also a very nice and pleasant person all the time. The man must not be successful, talented or attractive, because men who are successful, talented or attractive are, by law, presumed to not have any need to rape-rape.

Rape-rape. There you go.

This is a great thing, Whoopi. Think of all the women out there who can now go on living their lives FINALLY realizing that they aren't victims after all! Maybe now that they know what happened to them isn't rape-rape, they can go right back to blaming themselves. Super awesome!

Or not.

Your FFP gave a 13 year old child alcohol. That's a crime.
Your FFP slipped a quaalude into the alcohol. That's a crime.
Your FFP then had sex with that 13 year old girl. That is also a crime.
Make no mistake, Ms. Goldberg. That is Rape-rape.

Full post as published by Law with Grace on October 05, 2009 (boomark / email).