Law Humor

Betting on Bernie's Boys: A Madoff Monday

After reading Andy's note to you, I'm now positive that I was the one that was adopted.

For years, I figured the reason he was a little bit off was because the hospital didn't hand you and Mom the right kid after she gave birth.

But, between what you pulled off, and the way Andy's been acting ever since--especially with his lunatic business ideas, and now his blogging about getting a gun carry permit (see below), its pretty obvious that he's really not my brother, you're really not my father--and Ruth--well, she couldn't possibly be my real mother.

I'm the only one in the family that really understood anything, especially technology--and I've licensed a copy of the software that Picard gave away to Castor Pollux to Howard Lutnick over at Cantor Fitz.

Yeah, I know that you never liked Lutnick, but the fact is, this is a guy that re-built a business that was literally blown apart. Cantor's just launched a mobile betting device that lets players inside of casino bet on sports events in real time. Every time there's a new down in a football game, or a new batter up to plate, the odds of who wins and loses update in real-time, just like the trading software that I helped write for the trading desk. F--king brilliant stuff.

The first app that I've licensed to Howard is going to let people bet on when (or if) Picard and SIPC are going to pay out on all of those claims that your old friends from Fresh Meadows and Boca Rio have been waiting on for the past year.

Every time a claimant calls Picard's office to find out where the f--k their money is, the odds of whether he gets paid will be updated in real time, and every time Picard's people say "Your claim looks fine, and everything is in order, but we're still trying to come up with a policy decision on when, if, and how much we're actually going to pay you..".. Those will get processed through a very special algorithm--its written in Russian, and nobody will ever be able to crack the code!

Not your son,

Mark

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on December 28, 2009 (boomark / email).