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Madoff's Favs?!

To: Ike
From: Bernie

Listen closely. First; I gave Ken Starr your private number. He should be calling you within the next 30 minutes. If he can make bail. Andy Stein should hire Mo.

Next: Now that everyone has figured out that I'm not just a stock market savant that anticipates every major swing (just look at the last three weeks performance!..and, stay short those split-strike strangles!), according to Junior,  people are now referring to me as the "Ominpresent Opinionator." Both Junior and Rigas are saying that I need to commercialize this new talent.

1. To: April F.: I don't care what Jeff told you; my opinion is that its a bad idea to buy that beach house in Kingston right now. When should you buy it?, as Irv Picard likes to say, "on the Second of Never..". As much as I appreciate that all of that cash JP gave you is burning a hole in your pocket, when you heard that there was "fire sale" of luxury property in Jamaica, that's because the f*#king country is on fire. Literally. And no, I don't think that moving those diamonds to a bank in Bangkok is a good idea either.

2. To: Tim Geithner- Cashing out some of your position in ShittyBank was a good move. It's all about hitting singles and doubles. But, what with everyone still kvetching about secretive trading of OTC derivatives, your trading BP credit default swaps the very day before President Obama announced that he holds that company fully responsible for all of the costs associated with that Deepwater disaster--well, that's a recipe for a real PR disaster. Especially if AIG is insuring the swaps...

3. To: Irv Picard- The fact that one lawyer was able to coordinate 60 other law firms and successfully get $15 billion paid back to investors in Europe, all while SIPC is still jerking around people here by insisting that "money transferred from one BMIS account to another BMIS account was a withdrawal, and that money is subtracted from any claim, in accordance with the definition of net equity"...well, that line is simply bad form. Especially when you keep telling them to "fill out a new form."

4. To: Jamie Dimon- It wasn't enough that your people were bleeding us dry when you had the inside window to our checking account and withdrew that $250 million when we were on the ropes, so you pulled the same crap on Lehman?! Trust me; when their bankruptcy trustee calls me to testify as a character witness, all the toasters that you sent to Ruth won't mean sh*t. I'm going to tell them what I really think!

5. To Elliot Pisher- By the time the election comes around, the people of Connecticut are going to forgive Dick Blumenthal for making a few "mis-statements." He's an honorable guy, and everybody knows it. You on the other hand, are another story. If some cable TV network really thinks that you're the next Larry King, and pays you to be a talking head; that's when I tell Ruth to call up Cablevision to cancel her account.

6. To My Boys-You two have got one crazy idea after another. Mark- go spend the rest of the summer fishing up in Nantucket. That's a gorgeous house you've got. Enjoy it! Andy--I'm at a loss for words for what I should be saying to you right now.

7. To Mr. President-I think you're doing as good a job as anybody could, given all of the circumstances. You came into your job as an altruist, when what the job really calls for is an alchemist. That's why Ben Bernake is perfect for his job!

If I told you once, I've told you a thousand times, there might be 10 people in Washington DC that actually give a cr*p about anyone other than themselves. People in Washington don't want to come to agreement on anything! That's why every f--king lunch in Washington takes 3 hours; 2 1/2 hours to prepare "special meals", and 30 minutes to eat!

And those bureaucrats up there that can't smell what stinks? Ha! My mental retard son Andy finally got it right when he started producing a line of Government T-shirts that display "CYA" on the front, and "US GOVT Employee" on the back; its a billion-dollar idea!

Another thing: when a 90 year old newswoman starts calling you out on national TV and asking you why the f**k we're still in Afghanistan, that's when you need to go back into this blog and re-read what I've said about the same topic.

Speaking about re-reading some of my better comments, click here for a selection of my favs


  

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on May 28, 2010 (boomark / email).