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Wherein A Blog Post Was Written In Order To Demolish Texas

This filing is making the rounds. It is purportedly an emergency motion to extend a case management conference that is scheduled for this afternoon...right around the time of the World Series, Game 1.  It's only mildly amusing from my perspective, and honestly, if I was the judge, I'd be very angry. 

I also think the motion is a great example of some terrible legal writing.  So, to all the future lawyers, particularly the 1Ls, here's how NOT to write.  Ever.

1.  Passive voice.  For example, paragraph 5 is chock full of sentences that make me cringe.  "was discovered..." "was sold..."  Blah.  Terrible writing.

2.  I don't know what to call this, but it drives me nuts when lawyers write:  "love of the Rangers that has gone generally unrequited for thirty-eight (38) years."  Huh?  What moron doesn't understand what thirty-eight means?  Or 38 for that matter.  Pick one or the other and stick with it.  It's not too hard.

3.  Verbiage.  Case in point:  "They acquired the greatest post-season pitcher in baseball today in the person of Cliff Lee."  Hmm.  How about, "They acquired Cliff Lee, the greatest post-season pitcher in baseball today."  When you are facing strict page limits, lots of facts, and lots of arguments, then every character counts.  Plus, less is more.  The same goes for this whole motion.  The reason I would rule against this guy as a judge is because he's trying to be cute.  The whole thing can be written in one paragraph:

This Court has presently scheduled a case management conference for October 27, 2010, at 1 pm CDT.  As a life-long fan of the Texas Rangers, who are representing the American League in the World Series, counsel arranged to attend the first game of the World Series in San Francisco without realizing the conflicting time with the Court's scheduled case management conference.  See Declaration of Counsel.  Counsel is mindful of the Court's burdened docket; canceling the current travel arrangements, however, would impose a substantial financial burden on Counsel.  Id.   Therefore, Counsel respectfully requests that the Court grant this unopposed motion to reschedule the case management conference in this matter. 

Of course, who knows what the motion would look like if it were filed in the Northern District.

Full post as published by Nuts & Boalts on October 27, 2010 (boomark / email).