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There, I Fixed It

By Fannie

Stop me if you've heard this one:

"I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'

She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'

I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'

Her parents still aren't speaking to me."

It's the type of "joke" a person receives in chain-letter type emails from people who bombard their friends, relatives, co-workers, and acquaintances with messages that include clip art of eagles, pixelated American flags, and that fake Andy-Rooney-Just-Telling-It-Like-It-Is transcript of bigotry.

I have no idea where it originated, but I most recently saw it here, where a radio host generically attributed it to "a listener."

I thought it would be fun to make some changes:

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there so instead of laughing, I humored her, asking, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Unless you're an illegal, then it's $5. Sure, I paid my nephew $70 last week to do all that, but he's not a yard worker, he's a Landscape Cultivation Specialist."

The little girl said she would do it but informed me that neither she nor her parents had a lawnmower or other gardening supplies. I told her, "For $200, you can buy your own."

She, being 10, said she didn't have $200 and so I said, "For $40 a week, you can rent mine. I'll just take it out of your paycheck. The tools have been in the family for years, though, so don't go breaking them."

The girl reluctantly agreed, and wondered how she was going to pay for her school supplies, school clothes, and meals with $10. So, I told her "After you're done with the yard work, you can clean my house, scrub my bathroom, and do my laundry for an additional $35." After telling me that she doesn't own any cleaning supplies, I said, "You can use mine, but it's going to cost you. $25 per week, to be exact."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, 'Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and help me out with all this work, and you can pay him $50 too?'

"Hire a homeless person?" I said. "No way. He probably has a criminal record, is a drug addict, and is crazy."

"So, you'll hire me to do your shit work instead?" she asked.

"Yep," I said, "Welcome to capitalism. And watch your language, young lady."

Her parents still aren't speaking to me.

Anyway, an economist could have probably pulled that off better than me. But this stupid joke has been pissing me off for years, so I had to give it a try.

Full post as published by Fannie's Room on October 28, 2010 (boomark / email).