Law Humor

Atonement from Andy

Irv-

It's the Day of Atonement for God's sake--and you're busy threatening to sue me?!

You want to know what I have? The food in these f--king Food Emporium bags, that's what I have! There's even a ham sandwich in here someplace, so you can have that, if you want.

You're suing me!? My Dad only gave me half of what he gave Smarty Marky--so if you're intent on pissing in the wind, go after him! Then again, knock yourself out. You'll charge the court $700/hr and chase me for the next 20 years before you collect a dime for anybody but yourself. Nice. Very considerate approach considering the meaning of Yom Kippur.

Do you have any idea how much my ex-wife took me for?? And what do you think?--that Kathy is busy catching enough fish to help pay the co-op fees, or the real estate taxes on my place in Greenwich?

Don't believe it, and don't believe whatever Dropping Dimes DiPascali has to say. Marc Litt can waterboard that guy as much as he wants, but waterboarding isn't going to make him tell the truth--its only going to make him say whatever you want to hear.

And, if you really want to take the food off of my table, you'll have to get to it before my kids do. Go ahead, make yourself a hero. There's a turkey in here that we were going to make for dinner tonight. Food Emporium included some coupons, so you can make 3 points on those, too.

You want my Bar Mitzvah money?? I spent it. Ask Ari Friedman. He'll tell you. That's where he got the money for the film company, and that money's gone. At least that's what he's telling everyone else. Go ahead--ask him--he'll tell you that he took the last of it and bought the rights to some book and that he's making the next "Wall Street.". Maybe he'll make a documentary for you!

Listen Irv, I'm in f--king debt up to my nose right now, and if you didn't know it, I'm one of the 10% of people in this country that's unemployed. Dancing With the Stars doesn't pay squat. Trust me, they called and invited me.

Try suing Shana--she's got a f--king closet full of shoes and a place in East Hampton. I'm figuring you could get at least $100 a pair for the shoes on Ebay, and I hear that Eliot Spitzer would pay 2x that so he could sniff the damn things.

Oh yeah--Spitzer. Has anybody asked them how much they put in and how much they took out? I didn't think so.

Sure, its Yom Kippur. And we're all atoning. I sort of feel bad for bitch-slapping some people once in a while. I feel worse for the fact that I didn't bitch slap a few other people. Uncle Pete's probably atoning for coveting, but no doubt he's f--king celebrating for not coveting that nutcase Sheryl Weinstein. Christ, what a pig!

Mom is atoning for leaving us with the housekeepers all of the time, and Mark is atoning for not taking a copy of the software that you managed to give away for peanuts to "Surge Trading."

Dad? Sure, he's probably busy atoning, and he says that his new pal John Rigas is going to help make amends by giving all of the investors a free month's worth of cable TV service. That's a helluva lot better than AlixPartners' offering to give everyone that had their ID's stolen two years worth of "free credit checking service."

Last-I heard through the grapevine that your boy Sheehan thinks he can put a lien on the copyright we secured for the family name. And that you're even planning to claim ownership of Dad's Blog. You can forget about it.

Dad doesn't own the name Madoff. As far as the blog is concerned, its not in any of our names, and if you try to claim it, you'll have fifteen donut-munching Feds on the 17th floor crawling into a fetal position. That's not going to be a pretty sight, Irv. And you don't want to piss those guys off. Trust me, they don't wait on warrants before they knock on doors.

Besides, if Twitter is worth a $1billion, then the blog is worth at least $250 million. And if you think I'm going to let that slip through my hands, you've been spending way too much time eating Bongiorno's meat balls!

You want assets? Go ask those Feds to turn in the Dunkin Donuts coupons they've been hoarding since last December! 3 pts on those should put a pretty penny into the fee basket!

Atoning Andy

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on September 27, 2009 (boomark / email).