Law Humor

Weekend with Bernie: Lets Forgive and Forget-Everyone Else is !!!

Since we all know that Ira is going to make sure that I won't be going "away" anytime soon ( other than maybe to our place in Montauk, or our place in Palm Beach), I'm thinking that some of the people that are frustrated with me, and maybe Frank D., and maybe Sonny & Sonny, and Ezra, and Walter and his beautiful family, etc. , should want to embrace the same "forgive and forget" attitude that all of our friends in Washington are embracing.

What do I mean?

1. Tim Geithner, our new Treasury Secretary forgets to report some income and pay some taxes for a few years. What do we do? Forgive and forget! And, give him that new job!

2. Tom Daschle, that handsome guy in the photo, and another new Cabinet Secretrary, forgets how much money he made over the past few years, and also forgets to pay some taxes. What do we do? Forgive and forget! And, give him that new job!

3. Barney Fife..(I mean Barney Frank), hands Hank Paulson the keys to the US Mint printing press and forgets to ask what Hank what he's going to do with it, and then Hank forgets to ask any of those banks what they're going to do with the $350 billion that he wired them. What do we do? Forgive and Forget!

4. All the banks that got the money last month already forgot what they did with the $350 bil. What do we do? That's right: Forgive and Forget!! And, send them some more!!

5. Ken Lewis says he forgot John Thain told him that Merrill was going to be paying out $3.6 billion in bonuses with the money that Lewis got from Hank Paulson. What does Congress say? That's right: "We forgive!"

6. Jamie Dimon's people over at JPMorgan Chase forgot to tell a few of their clients that put a billion or so into Walter Noel's funds that Chase withdrew their $250 million back in October-- because they were getting antsy about the "transparency" issues over at our shop.

Well, in the last case, I'm not so sure those investors are going to forgive so fast, but when Dimon makes everyone whole with Chase's share of the FART money, everyone will forget about suing him.

And lets not talk about that Dick Cheney forgetting to tell people that there really weren't any f--king "WMDs" in Iraq, but that oil sure smelled good to him!

So, it only makes sense that Mr. Prosecutor is going to see the writing on the wall when it comes to me, Bernie "Midas Touch" Madoff.

I can't even remember how many things I've forgotten! And Ruth?? She can't even remember how much that f--king Equinox health club costs every month! And my brother, Pete? He's still screaming about the bonus he didn't get this year, so he doesn't remember much either!

And forget about what I can't remember; none of our investors even remember how much they invested!!! Isn't that right, Walter?? Trust me on this. Just ask Shana.

So, let's just forget about all of this nonsense--and let's all forgive. I'm even going to forgive that shmendrik over at Primola for talking too much about me and Ruth.

Speaking of talking too much;

To you kids from Michigan with the toilet paper:

I told you to keep your mouths shut, didn't I?? So now everyone knows that your parents didn't lose a dime! Do you know how confused Steve Harbeck over at SIPC is going to be now??

To Sonny D.:

Even though Harbeck is going to be confused, I'm hearing that your SIPC claim was processed. But you should tell your son Bret over at NYSE not to keep blabbing about how you closed out your account in November.

Do you hear dopamine Bob Jaffe blabbing?? Not a word. Do you hear Sonny Cohn blabbing?? I don't think so! Not to the feds anyway. Maybe a bit too much to some of the people at Boca Rio. But, he doesn't remember much either. Do you hear Frank D. blabbing? OK, so maybe he's blabbing. But, he really doesn't know that much anyway. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. That's why I hired him.

To Sonny C.: Let's just hope you remembered to pay taxes on how much you made from me. Same thing for you others. But then again, if you didn't, it doesn't seem like a big deal. If Congress can forgive and forget those kinds of things for Cabinet members, I'm thinking that the IRS can't lay a glove on anyone that might have forgotten to pay some taxes.

Speaking of gloves. To you people at "DOJ" that keep coming here every day read what I have to say and then spending your time interrogating my favorite hand sanitizer company's website:
pull the f--king trigger and buy some of their stuff! Trust me, that company has sold their product to plenty of prisons, because its alcohol free and non-flammable.

Finally.. I'm getting pretty f--king tired of everyone pissing on me. But, I can forgive, and I never let an opportunity to make some money pass me by.. So if you want to really need to keep pissing on me, click here!

Full post as published by Bernard Madoff on January 31, 2009 (boomark / email).