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Dear White, Male, Private Criminal Defense Attorneys Over Fifty,

By Grace

This "Lady-Lawyer" has some suggestions for you. As always, in no particular order...

1. When you see me walk into my courtroom before the morning call has started, and I am carrying a HUGE box of case files, and I haven't even had a chance to put them down, don't come up to me to discuss the unique and particular needs of your client. I do not know who the fuck you are. I do not know who you represent. And I do not know what your client has done. Give me a moment. One moment to put my things down. It's the polite thing to do.

2. When I am talking to another defense attorney, do not walk up and start talking to me. Wait until it is your turn.

3. If you happen to know that I am new, do NOT, DO NOT, tell me "how it's done". I don't care if you used to be "in the office." I do not need to be "trained" by you.

4. Do not wink at me.

5. Do not tell me to smile.

6. DO NOT TOUCH ME.

7. If you don't like the offer I give you, don't go to my male first chair. He will not change the offer. It's bad form. Not to mention the fact that I'm new, and have to clear my offers with him anyway. Now you've just insulted me, and annoyed him.

8. If you want to tell me one thing in the hallway, and then the complete opposite thing in front of a judge, do not come up to me later and say "I'm sorry, you'll learn that is how it works." I do not accept that "that is how it works." No... "that" is not how it works. "That" is why lawyers have bad reputations as untrustworthy and dishonest. I strive to be better. That sort of sage advice is not welcome.

9. Did I mention don't touch me? OH! Don't touch me.

10. Do not, please, for the sake of humanity, don't send your client out of the room, and then proceed to tell me what an idiot/loser/fuckup your client is. Think it, if you wish. You are probably right. Your client probably IS an idiot/loser/fuckup. But your idiot/loser/fuckup client has paid you good money to not be a backstabbing asshole. They hired someone to be their advocate. They NEED that. BE their advocate. And not just to their face. You don't have to like them or respect them. But bashing them just makes you look worse than you already do for winking and touching and interrupting me.

11. I wear a skirt 2-3 times a week. Yes. I know I have nice legs, but we are IN A COURT OF LAW. It is not appropriate to comment on them. (Namby Pamby, you know you are the exception)FURTHERMORE, don't you DARE let me hear you commenting on my legs or any other part of my body to YOUR CLIENT. (IE "Perks of this courtroom, Jose, young, sexy prosecutors you can go home and whack off to..." You want to be a zealous advocate for your client? Zealously advocate for a happier and healthier future for your often young, often undereducated, often underprivileged male client. Don't demonstrate that it's ok to objectify women. If they see it's ok to disrespect a woman who actually has the power to get them thrown in jail, how do you think they are going to treat the other women in their lives?

12. Say please and thank you. I will, too.

13. Don't tell me what my first or second chair did or said on a previous court date, if it's not true. I will NEVER believe you. I will always ask them first. And then you're stuck looking like a fucking liar.

14. Oh my GOD. Jeans are not appropriate for court. Even with a sportcoat. And Betty Boop ties on anyone, let alone you, are so fucking insanely wrong. If I were a defendant, and my defense attorney showed up with jeans and a betty boop tie, I would ask for my money back. you disrespect us all.

That's all. For now. You may be wondering why this letter is directed exclusively to the white, male, criminal defense attorneys over the age of 50. Well, there's a reason. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO BEHAVE LIKE THIS!!!!!!!

For the first few weeks in this new assignment, I may have appeared vulnerable. I was. For many reasons. Some personal, and some professional. Now, I am not so vulnerable.

Do. Not. Fuck. With. Me.

Sincerely,

Lady-Lawyer Grace

PS Don't fucking touch me.

Full post as published by Law with Grace on March 19, 2009 (boomark / email).