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Never Ready

By Anonymous

I really was about to go to bed after the post about Landon's clean bill of health, but for some reason I clicked on my stat counter and saw that several people had read through "The Nightmare" label today. I realized that I have never gone back and read any of them. I tried once a few months ago because I was looking for a friend's blogger name, but when I started reading some of them I quickly realized I couldn't handle it. I wasn't ready, might never be ready, to relive those days through my own words.

Tonight I clicked on this one and before I could stop myself I read the whole post and all 47 comments. I was (am) crying (sobbing) like I haven't in months. I still can't believe that happened. I still can't believe how many people reached out to support us. I clearly remember sitting in the law school green lounge writing that post and crying and wondering when our life would be normal again. Only a few months later, I can't believe how little we think about it and talk about it day-to-day, but how much it still affects our us in unspoken, unrealized ways. I can't write posts joking about being a "bad mommy", even though I think of them, because I fear someone might think I really am a bad mom with the DCFS history to prove it. I'm scared of Landon falling not because I don't want him to be hurt (though, I don't), but because the thought of taking him to an ER with any kind of injury is absolutely terrifying. One night in December while Landon was taking a bath with JP, he slipped and bumped his nose on the tub. It started bleeding, he started crying, and JP went completely white with fear. So did I and my hands were shaking when I reached out to hug them both. Landon was fine and his tears dried immediately upon seeing a new bath toy, but JP and I were rattled for the rest of the night. I couldn't even blog about it because I was still so wary of any criticism. Even now I won't answer my phone if I don't know the number because I think it could be our caseworker trying to set up yet another home visit (our case is still not officially closed). And when I get home and see the message machine blinking it takes me hours, usually until after Landon has gone to bed, to get up the nerve to check it.

I don't think I'll ever read my archives from those 2 months, especially not the ones from October. A large part of me doesn't believe it even happened and I don't think I ever will. It's too crazy, too out of place in our happy, crazy, lovely life. My child was in a shelter? A fucking shelter for 5 days? I cannot believe that. My therapist told me that sometimes "the mind protects itself", and maybe that's what mine is doing. Most of the time we're a normal family. I'm surprised and happy to report that I go entire days without thinking about DCFS once. We're doing okay, but reading that post felt like time travel and in the span of a few seconds I was right back in the middle of what I hope will be the worst few months of our lives. I hope to never feel that scared, that hopeless, that out of control of my life, again.

Full post as published by Lag Liv on April 22, 2008 (boomark / email).