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Unfair Scrutiny

By Anonymous

Andrea over at Peanut Butter Burrito, a 3L at Harvard who just had a baby girl, wrote a lovely post today about her husband and how he sees being a dad as just "as important and active a role" as being a mom. Reading it reminded me of the fact that somewhere in my saved, partially written posts, there's one titled "The Evolution of (a) Man" where I described how wonderful it's been sharing my life with JP and watching him change from boyfriend, to husband, to father. And what an amazing partner he is in the parenting process- like even when he was working long hours and I wasn't in school, he still got up for every other night feeding, and didn't think anything of it. He was (and is) so in love with Landon, it just made me love him that much more. I started that post on October 4th, moments before I took Landon to the doctor's appointment that turned our lives into a nightmare. I never had a chance to finish it and reading it now just reinforces how this investigation has affected us because it comes off to me as a defensive rather than loving commentary.

DCFS's decision to indicate JP for "bone fractures caused by neglect" in no way answers the question of how those ribs broke- it was just an easy way for them to end the investigation. And yet I feel like JP is scrutinized far more for his parenting than I am or than he would have been without the investigation. Comments we never would have received before like, "Is JP being careful with him?" and others are so frustrating for him- and to make it worse, I sometimes find myself doing it to. Being identified as the "perpetrator" of your son's fractures is bad enough, I hate that his interactions with Landon feel so watched and judged.

We finally got the official letter from DCFS with the indication finding. Our investigator told us that a neglect finding stays in their records for 5 years, but the letter says it's 20. We were going to appeal anyway, but that just gives us more incentive. Reading it felt unreal- even after all that's happened. How could we possibly be getting a letter from the Department of Child and Family Services indicating my husband for neglect of our child?! My husband who insisted on asking every doctor we saw about that popping noise we'd been feeling in Landon's ribs? My husband who went to my prenatal appointments and was so excited about the birth of his son? My husband who was more confident with our newborn than I was? My husband who has no temper and drives me crazy because he gets silent and calm when he gets mad rather than arguing back? My husband whose arms make our little boy feel relaxed, safe, and secure? Yes, apparently that one.

The letter gave instructions for requesting a copy of our DCFS file and notifying them of our intent to appeal. The appeal will be the first time we actually fight back and defend ourselves, but it's so hard to muster up the strength to voluntarily place our emotional state back in their hands. The thought of going through the file, talking to doctors, meeting with our lawyer, etc. makes me feel tired. Just when our life is starting to feel normal, I'll be thinking about the case again. This time, Landon is safe in our care and the worst thing that can happen is we're left with the situation we have now, but part of me wishes we could just ignore the finding. The in-tact case is basically closed, there's nothing worse they can do to us, and I want to spend a while pretending like this didn't happen. I'm trying not to voice this to JP because it's important to clear his name and I'm behind him 100%, but I'm struggling.

Our in-tact caseworker came by for a home visit last week. I was surprised to hear from him because I thought the file had been closed before Christmas, but to my even greater surprise not only is the case still open, the Safety Plan is still in effect (with me as Supervisor). It was supposed to be terminated when the parenting class began, but his supervisor wants to see the certificate from the class first (because that will provide deep insight into JP's parenting). The in-tact case should be winding down and officially closed soon. I made it quite clear we weren't following a Safety Plan anymore and that we felt our end of this bargain had been fulfilled, and our case manager agreed. He said one to two weeks more, which means that by the time we move in June, the file might be closed.

So that's where we are- DCFS indication letter in hand, and trying to muster up the energy to fight again.

Full post as published by Lag Liv on January 23, 2008 (boomark / email).