Home -> Law Blog Directory -> Law Students Blogs -> Random Ramblings About Life and Law School

Law Students

: Random Ramblings About Life and Law School

Getting rid of the Ghost(s) of Men Past

By Lindsay

Sort of like the Ghost of Christmas Past. I've decided that I spend way too much time wishing and hoping that things were different. That the guy I like would somehow see the error of his ways and come to me declaring his feelings for me. But I'll never find what I'm looking for if I'm constantly looking back instead of looking forward.

So I'm going to say goodbye to the guys I've been looking back on. First, goodbye to Brian. I never did get back to him. When I saw him about 3 weeks ago he looked irritated, but I said hi anyway. Well, actually I made eye contact with him, instinctively looked away, then made myself look at him again and say hi as if nothing had happened. To me, that's a victory.

Next, goodbye to Bobby. Since my last post about him, he's continued to stand me up every time we've talked about making plans. On New Year's Eve, he had texted me to say that he'd meet up with me at the bar my friends and I were in. When it was about 11:30 and he still wasn't there, I texted him back to tease him, saying "if you're not here by midnight, I might have to find someone else to make out with! ;)" He responded with "Go ahead".

Classy, eh? So he later said he was going home. I then texted him back, saying "you're an asshole. I don't even know why I want u". He got mad and deleted me from his friends list and told me never to call him again. I apologized profusely (because I NEVER call anyone an asshole), and he accepted my apology. Last weekend we were supposed to get together, and sure enough, that morning he IMed me and said "I woke up this morning feeling like I have a cold". His standard excuse. So I said "don't worry about tonight, then". He said "well, it's early still". Then I never heard from him again. That was 3 days ago. He texts or IMs me every day. Or, did, anyway. So goodbye to him. He's not going to change and I've already hung on long enough.

But the hardest goodbye by far is to a guy I've never talked about here. I'll call him Johnny. I've rarely felt the kind of connection we have. He's an amazing guy. Smart, funny, kind, creative, he likes sports and is loaded with love and integrity. Everything you could ever want. Except that he has a girlfriend who doesn't treat him the way he deserves to be treated. Excuse me. He has a fiancee who doesn't treat him the way he deserves to be treated. Ugh. In case he ever reads this, I don't want to spill all the details. But I'll just say that as far as I'm concerned, I think the only way she knows to have a relationship is online, and the only way she knows to keep a guy is by controlling him. But don't you dare think he's not a real man, 'cause he's amazing. He's just blindly in love and refuses to see the red flags. Kind of like this:

Anyway... he moved out there to be with her, and they'll be getting married in about 6 months. I'm praying that by living with her out there, he'll see what the rest of us see. That he won't be able to deny it to himself anymore. I also pray that when he does see it (because he WILL see it eventually), that it's before they get married and that he'll have the strength to break it off.

You have no idea how much I pray for that.

But I've said everything I wanted to say to him. I can't do anything about it anymore. He knows how I feel. When I said goodbye, I said to him "don't ever think that I wouldn't jump at the chance to be with you, and don't ever doubt that I would fall in love with you". Now, even though this is the hardest, I have to say goodbye to him, too. But you know, it's not really him that I'm saying goodbye to. I've already said that. What I really have to say goodbye to the hope that he might open his eyes to how she treats him and how she doesn't truly love him, and that he sees what's been right in front of him this whole time. That's the hard part. But he's made his choice, and although he said that he proposed because he's getting older and he decided he had to take a risk, in reality he made the safe choice. To stay with her instead of taking the chance on me.

But still... I can't live clinging to the hope that he'll come around. I'll never find true love myself if I'm constantly looking backwards. So here's to saying goodbye, and to the future. Good luck to all of us.

Full post as published by Random Ramblings About Life and Law School on January 08, 2008 (boomark / email).