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How To Fly Politely and Comfortably, A Tutorial

By Fannie

Hi. I'm back from Argentina. For my return blog, I'm going to take this opportunity to vent about flying. While I love to travel and appreciate that I get it to do it occasionally, I do not like the "getting there" part. Whoever said that life is more about the journey than the destination has never flown in the "economy" class cabin of a 12-hour red-eye next to a squalling baby.

On that note, here is a brief Fannie's Room Flying Tutorial.

1. Babies

If you bring a baby on an overnight flight, give it Benadryl, warm milk, or vodka to make it go to sleep. Although cute, babies on planes have a tendency to cry a lot. Crying babies + anxiety of flying + enclosed space + uncomfortable seats = not cute baby.

If you buy your baby its own seat on the plane with the intention of placing your baby in a carseat, make sure the carseat isn't too big for the seat. The passenger sitting in front of your baby and its too-big carseat will not find it cute when your baby's carseat does not allow the passenger to recline her seat at all during the 12-hour overnight flight.

Upon entering the plane and seeing that the carseat is too big, turn the carseat sideways so it is impeding your comfort and not the comfort of a stranger.

2. Surroundings

Make sure to bring ear plugs, an eye mask, and headphones. The ear plugs will allow you to block out the approximately 45 minutes of loud flight attendant/safety information. I mean, let's be honest, all we really need to know "in the event of an emergency" is to put our heads between our legs and kiss our asses goodbye, right? Okay, then. Let's just start the in-flight movie and not fool ourselves into thinking that, after having crashed into the Atlantic Ocean, we'd really have a need for our seats that also serve as flotation devices.

An eye mask will allow you to block out the light from the in-flight movie, news broadcasts, and commercials (yes, commercials!) on the flight.

The headphones (preferably with well-charged Ipod) will come in handy to block out the noise of the inevitable crying baby, coughing neighbor, and overhead announcements.

The key to a more comfortable flight is to pretty much block out awareness of your surroundings in any possible way.

3. The Seats

The "recline" position of airplane seats, for all intents and purposes, is more of an upright position than my office chair at work. If you want quality rest, one of those neck pillow thingies will come in handy to support your head. Otherwise, assuming you are able to fall asleep, you will wake up to find your head bobbing around in an unsupported, crick-inducing manner.

4. Water

Flying dehyrdates you. I don't know the physiology behind it and am too lazy to look it up right now, but it's handy to carry your own water bottle onto the plane. Those little airplane cups of water the flight attendant gives you will not prevent dry-mouth disease. And, it's nice to be able to be in charge of your own hydration.

Oh wait. We aren't allowed to bring our own water bottles on airplanes anymore. Thanks again, fuckwad terrorists.

So yeah, I don't much like flying. Sometimes, I think it's more the annoyance of standing in lines, the hassles of getting through security, the post-9/11 anxiety, the delays, and the forced closeness and shared space with strangers that bothers me more than the actual flying part. You know, so long as the flying part is uneventful.

Any other tips?

Full post as published by Fannie's Room on February 18, 2008 (boomark / email).