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: A Public Defender's Life in Alaska

By A Public Defender's Life in Alaska

So, life goes on. We have finally had a good dump of snow and winter activities have begun. However, for me, depression still creeps around the edges. Today at work something happened to me that has not happened for a long time: I simply could not stay. I changed, put on my snowshoes and went for a walk alone in the woods. I have come to realize that my feelings come from many sources and have many reasons.

I have heard from some that I have nothing to complain about. Normally, I would be the first one to chime in on the wagon of criticism. It is not my intent to complain. Merely to document. And perhaps help myself to understand my feelings. I will not and cannot talk about all the reasons I feel the way the do. But I know now that this will take some time to pass. There is no objective solution. No amount of intellectualizing will make this pass. A big part of the way I feel is an almost overwhelming loss of objective. Sometimes when I look ahead all I can see is routine. Drudgery. Hopelessness and constancy. All I can do is try to live my life each day. J and I have been making a bigger effort to get out. We have gone swimming for the first time since moving here. We have gone for dinner a number of times. We have had people over. Gone for walks. On the surface life is as it was. And, in some ways, as it should be. The most important thing in the world to me is that Kadee is happy. And so she is. Godamnit I hate the way I feel.

P.S. Kadee has said her first word as of last friday: "tiger".

Full post as published by A Public Defender's Life in Alaska on November 19, 2007 (boomark / email).