Law Humor

June 1999 - How Dead Was He?From

Posted on May 21, 2008
June 1999 - How Dead Was He?From U.S. Bankruptcy Judge John C. Akard of Lubbock, this explanation he received from an attorney in San Angelo who was explaining why his client was not present for the hearing before Judge Akard:The first time he died was in the Brownwood hospital.

April 1998 - Doing Voir DireFrom

Posted on May 20, 2008
April 1998 - Doing Voir DireFrom Judge Bonnie Sudderth of Fort Worth (352nd Judicial District), this excerpt from a voir dire examination in her court:Mr. Smith: Okay, Mr. Riley?Prospective Juror: Yes, sir.Mr. Smith: You served on a civil jury. What were the facts?Prospective Juror: I never got it...

July 1997 - What Is The Truth,

Posted on May 19, 2008
July 1997 - What Is The Truth, Anyway?From Melvin R. Wilcox, III of Longview (Smead, Anderson, Wilcox & Dunn), this excerpt from the deposition of a representative of the Chicago Northwestern Railroad concerning contracts filed with the Interstate Commerce Commission...

September 1996 - Did They Really

Posted on May 16, 2008
September 1996 - Did They Really Say That?From U.S. Magistrate Judge J.Q. Warnick of Lubbock, this excerpt from a civil rights jury trial in his court - in which the pro se plaintiff claimed he was assaulted by several corrections officers. Texas Assistant Attorney General Bruce Garcia was questioning the male plaintiff:Q...

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October 1995 - Do The Preliminary

Posted on May 15, 2008
October 1995 - Do The Preliminary Stuff FirstQ. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

April 2003 - Doing Voir DireFrom

Posted on May 14, 2008
April 2003 - Doing Voir DireFrom Paul Mewis of Houston, this excerpt from a voir dire record in a criminal case.The Court: What kind of work do you do?Prospective Juror: I'm a financial analyst.The Court: How long have you been doing that?Prospective Juror: 610 years...

May 1985 - Were You in the Military

Posted on May 13, 2008
May 1985 - Were You in the Military Service Q. Were you in the Army?A. No sir, I didn't go.Q. Why?A. Well, when I was ready to leave they said, 'Well, everything is over,' and I say, 'Okay,' So I didn't go.

February 2002 - Classic Typo'sFrom

Posted on May 12, 2008
February 2002 - Classic Typo'sFrom Trish Nasworthy of Grand Prairie (Trish is an Assistant City Attorney), this mistake she spotted in an ad in the Dallas Morning News.LITITAGATION ATTORNEY needed immediately. Large plaintiff's personal injury firm seeks associate...

February 2002 - Those JurorsFrom

Posted on May 09, 2008
February 2002 - Those JurorsFrom Dan Lewis Carabin of San Antonio, this incident which his secretary Mary Lou Oravits, recently observed during voir dire in a criminal trial pending in the 144th District Court of Bexar County (the Honorable Robert Barton, Senior Judge presiding)...

January 2002 - Did They Really

Posted on May 08, 2008
January 2002 - Did They Really Ask That?From Senior State District Judge A. D. Azios of Houston, this incident which took place while he was trying a felony case as a visiting judge in Montgomery County. The questions are by Assistant District Attorney Mike Seiler...

July 1999 - Classic TyposFrom Lillie

Posted on May 07, 2008
July 1999 - Classic TyposFrom Lillie Knight of Houston (Lillie is an assistant city attorney), this typo in a letter she received from a property tax consultant:Dear Ms. Knight:... Thank you for your business, and please send your fiends our way. Please return before May 31st.

January 2001 - Classic TyposFrom

Posted on May 06, 2008
January 2001 - Classic TyposFrom Sue F. Reid of Dallas, this marvelous typo in "an order appointing special commissions ... in an eminent domain proceeding for the appointment of three free-holders (disinterested parties) ... for the county court at law to hear testimony and assess damages ...

May 1995 - The ThinkerFrom Martha

Posted on May 05, 2008
May 1995 - The ThinkerFrom Martha Hardwick of Dallas (Bauer, Rentzel, Millard & Hardwick), this deposition excerpt - with Martha's admission that she was "the obviously surprised questioner":Q. What made you decide to do that?A. I am thinking.Q. That's all right...

April 1998 - How Far Did You Go

Posted on May 02, 2008
April 1998 - How Far Did You Go In School?From Rob Ramsey of San Antonio (Soules & Wallace), this trial excerpt:A. I known him [Mr. Barrera] since we started school. We went to school together and part of college.Q. Did you go to the same high school together?A...

October 1989 - I'm Glad We Cleared

Posted on May 01, 2008
October 1989 - I'm Glad We Cleared That Up!From Judge Michael D. Schattman of Fort Worth (348th District Court), this exchange "between attorney Ken Kreis of Bosie, ID and a pretty hostile witness in a case I tried Feb. 15 of the year."Q. Well, my question wasn't whether he made a lot of trips to the office...

July 1987 - Do You Swear to Tell

Posted on April 30, 2008
July 1987 - Do You Swear to Tell the Truth...Judge: (To young witness) Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?Witness: Yes, I would go to hell.Judge: Is that all?Witness: Isn't that enough?

March 1990 - Is That a Reasonable

Posted on April 29, 2008
March 1990 - Is That a Reasonable Fee?This is from a hearing before the Texas Railroad Commission. It comes from Jack Balagia, Jr. of Austin (McGinnis, Lochridge, etc): he explains that An Unnamed Austin Lawyer is testifying in support of the reasonableness of the hourly rates being charged by his firm - which were to be passed through to the customers by the gas utility his firm was representing:Q...

October 1997 - And You, Sir, Are

Posted on April 28, 2008
October 1997 - And You, Sir, Are AdiosFrom Versal Rush of Wichita Falls (Versal is the first assistant public defender), this exchange that took place in a competency trial before Judge Keith Nelson (78th District Court). The client believed that he spoke to Elvis and animals (especially a certain rooster); he claimed to have been, among other things, "a lawyer, judge, doctor, porno producer/director/star, parapsychologist," etc...

December 1986 - Did I Really Hear

Posted on April 25, 2008
December 1986 - Did I Really Hear That?Q. What is your name?A. Ernestine McDowell.Q. And what is your marital status?A. Fair.

June 1998 - Something Completely

Posted on April 24, 2008
June 1998 - Something Completely DifferentFrom Anonymous in Somplace, Texas - this excerpt from "bylaws" which had been prepared by parents who were incorporating a high school girls' booster club, which Anon., had been asked to review.The Sergeant at Arms shall:(a) Confirm that a quorum exists at all meetings ...

July 1995 - A Peerless JurySenior

Posted on April 23, 2008
July 1995 - A Peerless JurySenior District Judge A.D. Azios of Houston (who presided over the 232rd District Court) was presiding over an uncontested mental competency hearing in a criminal case. After waiting a very long time for the jury panel, the attorneys agreed that - since both sides agreed that the defendant was certainly not competent to stand trial - they would just "take 12 attorneys who were in the courtroom to serve as jurors...

May 1998 - Telling It Like It IsFrom

Posted on April 22, 2008
May 1998 - Telling It Like It IsFrom Michael P. Mallia of Houston (Mallia & Jacobs), this excerpt from the plaintiff's deposition in a medical malpractice case, in which Suzan Cardwell (Franklin, Cardwell & Jones) asks:Q. Have you ever had any female problems, for example?A...

November 1996 - Did They Really

Posted on April 21, 2008
November 1996 - Did They Really Say That?From Marvin L. Cook of San Antonio (Marvin is general counsel for Southwest Business Corporation), this excerpt from his deposition in a covenant not too compete suit filed by his client.Q. Okay. I'm going to focus in on MacCurdy [the defendant] now...

July 1993 - Did He Really Say That?From

Posted on April 18, 2008
July 1993 - Did He Really Say That?From Stephen J. Gugenheim of Dallas (Gardere & Wynne), two segments from the deposition "of the plaintiff in a bad faith case" - that was taken by Michael Quinn of Dallas (Zelle & Larson). Stephen Notes: "the first segment adds new meaning to the word "literal...

June 1995 - Be Very Careful With

Posted on April 17, 2008
June 1995 - Be Very Careful With ExpertsFrom Joseph G. Rollins of Houston, this excerpt from the cross-examination of a medical expert witness in a workers' compensation trial.Q. Dr. Brown, you say the plaintiff has pain in his back, radiating down into his leg...

July 1993 - Blah Blah BlahFrom

Posted on April 16, 2008
July 1993 - Blah Blah BlahFrom Kent Chambers of Beaumont (Strong, Pipkin, etc.), this excerpt from the plaintiff's deposition in a car/motorcycle accident case that was used at trial.Reporter's note: Whereupon there was an interruption, after which time the deposition continued as follows:Mr...

October 1996 - Al Ellis and the

Posted on April 15, 2008
October 1996 - Al Ellis and the Deposition from HellAl Ellis of Dallas writes: "Often one has to take hundreds of depositions to find something worthy of print in et cetera. Occasionally, however, comes the "Deposition from Hell," in which almost the entire deposition is worthy of being printed in et cetera along with at least 35 separate footnotes...

June 1995 - From the Guiness Book

Posted on April 14, 2008
June 1995 - From the Guiness Book of World RecordsFrom Al Ellis of Dallas, this excerpt from one of his recent depositions:Q. Before March of '88 were you in the law firm?A. No. I take that back. For two years while I was pregnant with my dauther, I had various positions, like a substitute teacher ...

December 1996 - The Court Reporters

Posted on April 11, 2008
December 1996 - The Court Reporters Have Done It Again!Lynn Brooks of Dallas, who is (among other things) the book review editor of the Journal of Court Reporting, writes:The National Court Reporters Association has done it again: put together the third book of collected humor - stuff that lawyers and witnesses wish they'd never said...

May 1992 - A Really Prepared WitnessFrom

Posted on April 10, 2008
May 1992 - A Really Prepared WitnessFrom Karen Jones of Bellevue, WA (Riddell, Williams, etc.) - who clerked for Chief Justice Barefoot Sanders of Dallas (N.D. Texas) - This reprise of a classic deposition excerpt:Q. ...Do you recognize the person in [this photograph] Plaintiff's Exhibit B?A...

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