Law Humor

Madoff Statue Returned: Thanks !!

Posted on January 01, 2009
Real quick--I forgot to say thanks to the group that took and then returned my collector item statue. Sure, it was only made out of bronze, and sure, it may not have been very valuable to anyone but me before you took it.But now, according to my friends at Sotheby's, that statue is now worth more than $250k!!! Ruth--call up the insurance company and add to the coverage! And with 2 other copies of the same statue, we just enjoyed a 30x return on a few pieces of art!!For those that want to know about our new, Madoff Antiquities Fund, call up Ira and he can give you the prospectus...

New Year Resolution #2, from Me, Bernie Madoff

Posted on January 01, 2009
Resolution #2; I'm going to stop trying to defend the many people that invested their client's money with my firm. Ruth's reminded me that whenever I mention someone, others might think they actually understood how my business worked. They didn't. At least not many of them...

Happy New Year from Bernie and Ruth! Regards to our friends in Westport CT!

Posted on January 01, 2009
First, Ruth and I know that many people are thrilled that 2008 is finally behind us all, so on behalf of the entire Madoff family, we wish you all a happy, healthy, and of course, a conservatively prosperous New Year!My first New Year's resolution is to clarify my relationship with Noel Levine...

My List of Assets: Delay Due to Snow

Posted on December 31, 2008
I know that Ira said he'd be submitting my list of assets today. But its snowing and Ira is busy right now. Actually, he headed home to Roslyn early today, the weather is for shit right now.. and I think he's got a 7 o'clock rez at Bryant and Cooper....

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See--Yeshiva U is Telling it Like it Really is: They Lost Bupkus

Posted on December 30, 2008
The good people at Yeshiva U are telling it like it is. They actually have temporarily lost $14 million not the $100 mil + that others are shouting about...Ezra, please lighten up!!! You're getting everyone crazy with these crazy numbers. Go back and worry about GMAC!

Enough With the Whining! Taste the Wine, Instead!!

Posted on December 30, 2008
Of course I'm heart broken when I read about those that are saying they "lost everything" with me. But after a few minutes, I'm elated, and I go back to watching Fast Money on CNBC...I don't mean to sound insensitive; I've had these kinds of mood swings for years...

The FBI Should Be Asking How The Trustee is Spending Investor's Money! (Not at what FGG did!)

Posted on December 30, 2008
If there are two people in the world that know anything about securities industry compliance issues, its my friends Mark McKeefry and Amit Vijayvergiya at Fairfield Greenwich. There's Mark to the right; a brilliant kid!Their credentials are impeccable, and rightfully, they've been well paid to understand the strategies that I was executing...

The Real Scam: $28 Million for "Court-Appointed Trustee"

Posted on December 29, 2008
$28 Million to pay the expenses of the "court-appointed trustee"?!@# Let's not talk about the allegations made against me. This type of court-authorized payment is completely out of control, and I'm going to instruct Ira to file a petition with the Court to rescind this...

TARP Bailout For Madoff: You Can Keep The Statue!!

Posted on December 28, 2008
A bunch of media idiots are having a field day with the phrase 'Shadenfreude', and how much it hurts me to have a family heirloom stolen from my back yard. First of all, do you think I didn't get three of these made??..After all, if I can spend what I spent keeping three sets of books, you can be sure that I'd buy a few extra statues...

Why a TARP Bailout of Madoff Makes Sense. Just Ask Uncle Sam's IRS

Posted on December 27, 2008
When you get over the fact that my firm encountered the same calamity as Bear Stearns and Lehman, you'll immediately ask yourself, and your Senator, "What did we learn from allowing those two firms to effectively fail..?" In the case of Madoff Securities and our inter-twined, multi-ledger platform, there are 3 excellent reasons why out-going President Bush will want to use the next ten days of his Presidency to pull a rabbit out of the hat and save his legacy, and to prove who "The Decider" really is...

Why Flying Private Makes Sense: My Airline Co.

Posted on December 26, 2008
For those that don't already know it, flying private is absolutely the way to go That's my baby on the left..gorgeous, right?.. It takes us just two and half hours from Teterboro to West Palm...Flying first class would take us 4 hours, minimum.And this little bird can hop over to Lugano in two stops...

The Real Fleece.

Posted on December 26, 2008
Now I'm getting pissed off. I just noticed that various people, who are hiding behind pseudonyms on ebay are actually auctioning off used merchandise that they received from my firm as gifts. Like the dreck in the photo. Used!Those gifts were provided from the bottom of our heart, and provided mostly to customers of our market-making business...

I Didn't Twist Any Arms! Just ask UBP

Posted on December 25, 2008
Pick up any newspaper and you'll find out that I didn't force anybody to invest with me, and the fact is, that people have been coming to me for twenty years. I turned alot of them away too. Ask my good friends at UBP--even they've said they examined all of the trade tickets and all of the trade confirmations, and everything was completely kosher!Speaking of kosher, its a bitch finding a good place to eat in Manhattan on Christmas, but thank god for the Carnegie Deli! Check out what we're ordering in today...

Crawl Backs..What MY lawyer says..

Posted on December 23, 2008
Lawyers are like a--holes. Everyone's got one. And mazel tov to my friends at Milberg! Mel Weiss would be proud that you're stepping up to the plaintiff plate. If what half the lawyers I keep reading about are suggesting, that Middle Eastern group that put the $500 million in last year are going to have to put pack at least the profits that they earned from me...

You're barking up the wrong tree.. tell 'em Frank (DiPascali)

Posted on December 22, 2008
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They Can Freeze My Assets; But I'm Not Freezing My Ass! What do you think a Ponzi Scheme Really is??

Posted on December 22, 2008
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Andy- I told you to sign a Prenup!!

Posted on December 22, 2008
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My Partners at Fairfield Greenwich

Posted on December 22, 2008
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The Best Chinese Take-Out in NYC!!

Posted on December 21, 2008
In my first posting, I promised that I'd be telling you about great places to eat in NYC. This time of year I'm usually down in Boca, but we're staying here for the holidays instead.Yesterday I touted my favorite place for nova and bagels-Sable's. Its on 78th and 2nd and, when my lawyer Ira brought over those hot bagels along with nova and sturgeon, Ruth and I, and our kids were in heaven...

Don't Shoot (My) Messengers

Posted on December 21, 2008
Oy. The things that are being said about my long-time partner Bob Jaffe (That's him to the left with his wife, he's a great looking guy, right?) And to the right is one of his favorite cars. The guy has good taste, don't you think?Let me set the record straight...

Look at the Wealth I'm Still Creating!- At least two book contracts already signed by others!

Posted on December 20, 2008
If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times; "Only in America". At least two different so-called business journalists have just signed six figure contracts to write books about me. And those books might create millions in sales for THEM. Am I asking for anything from them??Of course not...

Jeez..Its Only A Coincidence!!! wink wink

Posted on December 19, 2008
Some of you are going to be reading that a longgg time ago, (in fact decades ago), there was a firm that was selling investors unregistered securities in my firm.The total amount was piddling, only $400 million--and in 1992, wouldn't you know it, a judge ordered my good friend Lee Richards to be the court-appointed trustee to make sure everyone got back as much as they could...

My Lovely Niece and Her Husband-The SEC Investigator

Posted on December 19, 2008
Aside from making sure that my son Mark was appointed to a special role by former NASDAQ's Head of Enforcement (and just yesterday, she was appointed to be the new SEC Commissioner!!! Mazeltov Mary!!), I'm particularly proud about my blessing the marriage of my niece and head of compliance to former SEC Investigator Eric Swanson...

My friends and family..Do you know Cohmad too?

Posted on December 18, 2008
Alot of people are already asking, "Was your wife really helping you cook the books?"I can't say for right now. After all, I've already deposited half a million bucks into her attorney's account. We wouldn't want that to disappear, would we??Oh--let me tell you...

Hey-Take My Wife. Please! She's a Cook Book Author & SHE Cooked My Books?!

Posted on December 17, 2008
Who could possibly believe that a 67 year old woman, whose greatest claim to fame is writing a cook book could have helped me cook the books?God forbid she should have cooked a few meals at home instead of our going to Coco Pazzo every other night!Go ahead, take my wife...

Of Course this US Attorney has to Recuse Himself..And so does half of the SEC

Posted on December 17, 2008
Here's a picture of me leaving court earlier this morning. Notice that I'm smiling.Why wouldn't I be smiling? I'm headed back to my very comfy coop on 64th, and half of the SEC has had to recuse themselves from dealing with the piles of papers stacking up...

Don't Believe What The Smart Alecks Say

Posted on December 16, 2008
Smarty Alec Andy Kessler thinks he's got it all figured out.Sure, you can click on the link, and read his opinions, but he's a former trader, and people like him have been questioning me for years, just because they were jealous of me. If the SEC never believed those kinds of claims, and if they never bothered to question me, doesn't that tell you that I'm really just a nice guy??

Hi I'm Bernie Madoff.. Tell me what you think!

Posted on December 15, 2008
I'm Bernard Madoff and I've admitted to operating the biggest Ponzi Scheme in history.Of course, I couldn't have succeeded without help from others that were involved, and of course, I certainly couldn't have succeeded unless those that gave me money were driven by greed...

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