Law Humor

Bernie's Bat & Ball : There's NO Conflict

Posted on March 10, 2009
All of these fukakta news people crowding outside the building is making me laugh. Ruth and I had an early breakfast next to Equinox, and I worked out the conflicts in my aching neck.So-Ira, I'm stopping off to pick up some more Clomipramine, and I''ll be by your office in time for our meeting with Avellino...

Bernie's Court Tickets On Sale!!

Posted on March 09, 2009
What with all the hoopla about my making an appearance in court on Thursday, we were thinking-Hey! This is a great ticket-selling event--so, with Irving's permission, we're selling tickets for the courtroom, and since there's only 200 seats available, we'll also be simulcasting via the internet on a pay per view basis!Since everyone has always wanted a seat right next to mine, front row seats will cost $2500, and all of the other seats are $1500...

Bernie Brainstorming

Posted on March 07, 2009
While all of the smarty pants talking heads are busy betting on what's going to happen next week in court, Jeff Katzenberg is busy negotiating the rights for Madoff Mania Productions' 1st TV show; its going to be bigger than "Dallas" and "Dynasty", and I'm thinking its going to make 10x more money than the two of those shows combined, what with the syndication rights we're already selling...

Pass More Pleas, Please

Posted on March 06, 2009
I can only say Thank-G-d that we never hired any idiots from the media industry to work on our trading desk.When it comes to speculating, all of the morons at NBC, FoxNews, CNN, and the rest of those other skanks make the mortgage traders at Bear Stearns, Lehman and Merrill look like they were f--king rock stars! Even the people trading bonds at AIG could speculate smarter!Christ-Almighty! 9 out of 10 "news" outlets are just fucking printing the same things that Bloomberg is writing--and Bloomberg's people can't guess any better on legal strategies than Larry Kudlow or f--king Donny Douche can when it comes to the direction of the market!If the only thing you people know how to do is make stuff up and print it, stop by the 17th floor on Monday, and maybe Andy or Mark can find something to keep you busy! Don't worry, we've got plenty of printer cartridges...

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Bernie's Beige Book : Please Pass The Pleas

Posted on March 06, 2009
Now that Mary Shapiro has gotten Mitre's $1.5 million study back on how to do things smarter at the SEC, Madoff Mania LLC is launching a new product--whistles for the whistle blowers! These things are great! $19.95 each, and when you figure how much Mary paid for for the ten page report describing the product, we saved ourselves a fortune in R&D!!!Next: There's someone other than Janey Wells that's figured out I'm not such a bad guy, and that every media moron in the world that's been saying "Bernie Madoff...

More Lawyers: Raoul's Note to Ruth; Mangia!!

Posted on March 05, 2009

Bernie Says: I'm Bullish

Posted on March 04, 2009

Back To Court

Posted on March 03, 2009

Muni's For Madoff's...Ruth's Favorite Fruit

Posted on March 03, 2009

To Barney: I Told You So...

Posted on March 02, 2009

Cuban The Maverick + Midas Touch Madoff

Posted on March 01, 2009

Bernie On Buffett; To Gary Yackerman (Ackerman)

Posted on February 28, 2009

Elie Weisel Should Only Know!

Posted on February 27, 2009

Ira's IPO -MIDAS Hiring IB's

Posted on February 26, 2009
Oy, I need three more computers just to keep up with all the new business and all of the new trades we're going to be printing! And more printer cartridges!!First-To: IraFrom: BernieIra-Now that the government is back in a "Shoot-First and Ask Questions Later" mode, and arresting anyone in sight, I'm thinking that you and your partners at Dickstein are going to make a killing--all thanks to me!And, now's the time to capitalize!Everybody knows that I've got the Midas touch, and that I've got the best nose for when to buy and when to sell...

To Steve Walsh & Paul Greenwood. Can You Spare a Dime?

Posted on February 25, 2009
To: Paulcc: SteveFrom: BernieRE: WG TradingYou must have figured out by now that there's a reason I'm still in my co-op with Baby Ruth.Sure, the three of us all go back a long time. But Mr. Prosecutor has been busting my chops asking me what I might know about other people from the industry...

Trading in Madoff Claims: Only at BMIS!

Posted on February 25, 2009
My Mac is almost overheating with the alerts that I'm getting, so, Steve Jobs- unless your people make good on the sponsorship invoice, I'm going to stop pitching your product and switch back to a Dell laptop!Next:To Barney Fife (sorry, I mean Frank)From: Bernie MadoffBarney-Tom Waddell asked me to forward the below...

MIDAS Art Fund: CNBC Leaks Sales

Posted on February 24, 2009
Thanks to little Janey Wells at CNBC-sales forecasts for Madoff Mania LLC were leaked yesterday, but what can you do?I'll tell you what we're doing!! We're selling even more of Bernie's Pisher Pads!!! Just scroll to the right!Sure, we've got more business than we can handle--so in case you can't get your case, that's only because we're over-subscribed...

Madoff Unveiled?? Maybe.. Who Else is Exposed?

Posted on February 23, 2009
First:Ira- Get hold of those people at Apple and tell them I expect the endorsement check before Wednesday. The clip of me on ABC News using a Mac is going to be worth millions for that company!Next:I spent the entire weekend reading through the jibber jabber that Irving Picard was spewing on Friday...

Pastries With Picard 10:am Mel Weiss Cuts In

Posted on February 20, 2009
All of the "special appearance" bath robes that Ira sent over are at the cleaner, so Ruth and I are going to dial in to Irving's town hall meeting in about an hour. I'm thinking it will be just like the days when we sat around the radio and listened to FDR...

To Bernie: From Allen Stanford

Posted on February 19, 2009
To Bernie:From: R.A.S.I need to keep this note quick-we're refueling and my security team says that thanks to you and your moron son, I now have to limit use of open telecom lines to no more than 30 seconds at a time.1. As I told you last Tuesday, and according to today's Daily Telegraph out of the UK, it was the wild and crazy statements made by your son on this very blog that'put me on the cover of World's Most Wanted!!!!2...

Muckrakers Everywhere! Mid-Day With Madoff

Posted on February 19, 2009
The muckrakers are at it again.Sonny D.-I don't know if you're at your karate class right now, but you might want to pick up a copy of the NY Post. Or call that guy to the right and straighten him out.Next:To Allen StanfordFrom: BernieI spoke to Dick Fuld and Jimmy Cayne this morning; they're both prepared to testify that its the f--king media that should be prosecuted for your bank's problems, just like they caused the run on their places...

Jodi-Get More Printer Cartridges! Madoff Mania Inc . Prepares IPO

Posted on February 18, 2009
To: Sonny CohnFrom: Berniecc: Marcia C.Sonny-Belle Jones might have been the brains behind whatever you were telling people, but I don't remember if she ever had any more brains than you do. From where I stood, it was always Marcia that had the brains in your family...

I'm Setting the Record Straight- I'M THE ONE THAT WAS DEFRAUDED!

Posted on February 17, 2009
To Andy:From: DadI don't know if you saw the headline from 30 minutes ago re: Stanford Bank, but you and your blabbering mouth seem to be the cause for what just happened. And, this is what I just got from that guy Stanford!To: Bernie MadoffFrom: Allen Stanford, Chairman, Stanford International BankBernie:Thanks to your loudmouth son--and maybe thanks to that nitwit Alex Dalmady, I regret to inform you that as of an hour ago, all of the accounts at SIB have been frozen by the SEC, including the CD in Baby Ruth's name that you wanted to redeem...

From Bernie: President's Day TARP Sale

Posted on February 16, 2009
To all of you (including E.B.) that are kvetching that I took yesterday off--I say "forgive and forget!"Ruth and I actually spent the day entertaining the Noels, and one thing led to another, and before you knew it, everyone was playing with the defib...

Bernie's Valentine's Day Gift List...

Posted on February 14, 2009
Everyone wants to know what I've gotten Ruth for Valentine's Day...and what I've gotten for Ezra's wife Lauren, Sonny's wife Carole, and for Jodi, and for Nan, and for Sonja, and for Marcia. and for Shana, and even for Julie in London....Oy! What a list, right?They also want to know what my brother has sent out to all of his 'girl friends'...

Ruth-Call Up The Factory and Order More TP!!

Posted on February 13, 2009
Dear Andy-I've been trying to get it into your thick skull for years that when you blabber too much, and when you put things in emails that you shouldn't, you get yourself f--ked!!!Do you see Dopamine Jaffe blabbing?? NO! Do you see Sonny blabbing?? NO! (OK, so the Feds got lost trying to find his house...

Mid-Day With Madoff- Nan Knows Nothing!

Posted on February 13, 2009
With everyone chasing their tails, its no wonder that we're almost out of Madoff's Toilet Paper!Morning Memos:1. To Nan From BernieBongiorno! I got your message. Before you crap your pants after reading today's delayed news from that kid Aaron at the WSJ, Ira's going to stop by your house later today and drop off a case of Madoff's Toilet Paper...

Mid Day With Madoff... Of course everyone is pleading the 5th!

Posted on February 12, 2009
I've got a few things to cover, than I've got to get a manicure:1.To Bill Galvin-I don't know why you're making such a big stink about my good friends at Cohmad.Sonny Cohn and Sonny Delaire are unimpeachable. Dopamine Bob Jaffe has already pleaded the 5th, and as far as I know, he can't count much higher than that...

Mid-Day With Madoff- Redeeming Ruth

Posted on February 11, 2009
Ruth-I just called Equinox and they said that you were busy 'decompressing'. I don't know what the f--k that means, but if you get this message, you might want to stop by Teterboro and "check on the bird".Some muck racker at Bloomberg is blabbering about how you took out $5 mil the day after Thanksgiving, and another $10 mil on Dec 10...

Andy Madoff Confesses..

Posted on February 10, 2009
Dear Dad-I've been pretty tight-lipped so far--as you can tell from the photo to the right, but I'm getting really pissed with all of the jibes you've directed at me. Especially after reading your "note" about Andy Sorkin, the reporter at The NY Times...

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