Law Humor

"Madoff Settles With SEC..."

Posted on February 10, 2009
Of course I just entered into an Agreement with the SEC; I'm a forgive and forget kind of guy! The Agreement says that:(i) I won't fight them on the asset freeze that's been in place. Why would I? Its not like I was dumb enough to put all of my eggs into one basket...

Ruth Madoff Speaks Out..Finally

Posted on February 09, 2009
Bernie-I know that you were busy signing that meaningless "settlement agreement" with the SEC this morning, and that you wanted me to make my own comments on your blog today; but I'm headed over to Equinox, and then I'm getting a pedicure. After that, I'm headed over to see Mark's baby and do so some shopping...

Bernie's Sunday Brunch in Sands Point

Posted on February 08, 2009
Talk about gorgeous days!First, I want to send a note of thanks to Regina Joyer, over at the Pre-Trial Services Dept. for realizing that being cooped up in the co-op with Ruth would make anyone nuts, especially when the weather is so nice today.And, since I'm allowed out to visit my lawyer, this is a perfect day for a drive out to Ira's place in Roslyn and catch up...

Bernie's List

Posted on February 06, 2009
1. To my friend who wrote in and asked my advice about whether he should be speaking to a media reporter:I might have to update my advice.While reading this morning's rags, it became obvious that there are maybe 3 journalists in the entire f--king world that have more than half a brain...

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Madoff Investors Deluged by News Media

Posted on February 05, 2009
I don't have the time to spend posting all day..but I had to slip this in...I just received this from one of our investors...so I thought I'd share his question and my reply.Bernie, I wrote you yesterday saying how much I loved the blog. I have to admit I lost a few bucks in this fiasco...

Madoff 's Son Leads Class Action Against Picard et al; A Madoff Mazel to Mark Dreier!

Posted on February 05, 2009
Ira-Ebay just took down that stupid offer to sell the customer list, so I guess you finally did something right to earn some of that $1million retainer!! But for God's sake--the damn thing is all over the Internet for FREE!!!Even CNBC was letting people download it until Janey Wells called up their legal department to tell them ...

Madoff Sues Bankruptcy Vendor For Release of Customer Mailing List

Posted on February 05, 2009
Ira- I don't know what your people are thinking, but some f--king vendor to the bankruptcy court actually released our firm's mailing list in a court filing!! Do you know that this thing is being sold on fucking Ebay already???!!!!Ira--even your name and address is on the list!!If you have half a brain, you'll get an injunction against Ebay right now! Either that, or those moron kids at Walter Noel's Fairfield Greenwich Group are going to be buying the damn thing for $49...

Markopolos Puts SEC in Crapper: Everyone's Pissing On Everyone; Madoff Family 's New Business Venture: Madoff Mania Inc.

Posted on February 04, 2009
I'm sitting here in my den, wearing one of my brand new bath robes and watching this guy Harry Markopolos testify before Congress on my 52" screen. All I can say is he makes me want to crap. I gotta believe that half the people at the SEC are also crapping in their pants right now!!!Exactly why I've just gone completed a roll-up with my new friends Marc and Darren Polish at JustToiletPaper...

Bloomberg Sets Up Wall Street Angel Fund; Selects Madoff's MIDAS Fund

Posted on February 03, 2009
Just a few 'after the close comments'...then I've got to move into the other room and try on the new set of bath robes that Ira sent over...I told Mike Bloomberg that I really don't like to advertise our funds, but he insisted on telling everyone that he's authorizing an angel fund for out-of-work Wall Streeters that are creating new businesses, and since we might have John Thain and Hank Paulson on board with us, we're exactly the type of firm that NYC is looking to help jump start and get people back to work...

"Bernie's Got Balls"???!! What About Barney??

Posted on February 03, 2009
A lot of people are writing in and saying, "Gee, you must have some set of balls to have done what you did!"What I'm thinking is that Barney Fife over to the right (I mean Barney Frank) has a big set of brass ones. Chuck Schumer--I thought we talked about your putting a muzzle on this guy? I've heard a lot of double-talk in my time--and so have a lot of the people that invested with us, but I don't think there's a bigger double-talker in the f--king world when it comes to this guy! Barney--which side of the table were you on when the FART money was sent into thin air??Anyway, for those people that keep pissing on me, it didn't take my "having a big set of balls", what it took was a lot of f--king printer cartridges! Ask Jodi...

Madoff's Monday: Ruth's Dr. Ruth; Who Needs PR When You're Getting Pissed On??

Posted on February 02, 2009
I might be a creative thinker, but there are just some things that I couldn't make up. And there are things happening that even I couldn't foresee.So lets clean up some things, before that f--king housekeeper starts in again with the vacuum cleaner and distracts me...

Weekend with Bernie: Lets Forgive and Forget-Everyone Else is !!!

Posted on January 31, 2009
Since we all know that Ira is going to make sure that I won't be going "away" anytime soon ( other than maybe to our place in Montauk, or our place in Palm Beach), I'm thinking that some of the people that are frustrated with me, and maybe Frank D., and maybe Sonny & Sonny, and Ezra, and Walter and his beautiful family, etc...

Madoff Penthouse.. Sure, We'll Entertain Offers

Posted on January 30, 2009
To the smarty pants muckrackers that are hiding in garbage cans on 64th and taking pictures of brokers coming into our building:Ruth and I are always interested in making a profit. On anything. Off of anyone. What's wrong with that???With all of the publicity, the value of our co-op here on 64th has shot up 20% in the last month, so we're thinking, why not entertain offers? Actually, I put the place in Ruth's name a long time ago, so she's the one that will score the profit...

Madoff's Mile High Club: My Cessna is for the Birds!

Posted on January 29, 2009
Everybody knows that Ruth and I never liked flying commercial. Who could blame us?Sure, we have a jet. Actually, we own a piece of two jets. That's the small one in the photo. Made by Cessna, and good for the short hops to Palm Beach. OK, so we're one of seven other people that share it...

Madoff's Morning Brief: A Quick Note to Jamie Dimon

Posted on January 29, 2009
Here I am, in my briefs and bathrobe--one of the six that Ira sent over from Barney's, and it seems like today is going to be a great one!Even though Ruth and I have always been big clients of Chase, I don't remember ever meeting Jamie Dimon, the kid that runs the bank, but I think our planes are parked next to each other over at Teterboro...

Closing Bell..With Me, Bernie Madoff

Posted on January 28, 2009
I apologize to the thousands of people who depend on me, day in and day out to post a statement here in the late morning, after I have a bagel and shmear.....To those of you--I have great remorse for not being on time. Ruth and I were a bit "itchy" this morning and we said what the hell, and actually tested out that defibrillator...

Memo From Bernie to John T.

Posted on January 27, 2009
To John ThainFrom. B.L.John-I just saw the news report re: subpeona. That doesn't change my offer to you. Plenty of our people get subpeonas. Its no big deal. Ask Bob Jaffe. He doesn't even bother answering them!You know how to sell; that's all I'm interested in...

Mid-Day With Madoff- What's Everyone Kvetching About??!

Posted on January 27, 2009
Before I say anything more about the meshugenahs that keep kvetching "Bernie and $50 billion this, and $50 billion that..," lets do some housekeeping. Then we can get to the score keeping..1. To you shmendrick kids down in Palm Beach--I'm happy that you got your two minutes of fame with the stupid toilet paper prank...

Mid-Morning with Me, Bernie "Midas Touch" Madoff

Posted on January 26, 2009
Some house cleaning, before our housekeeper turns on the f--king vacuum cleaner and distracts my thinking...1. To John Thain: My son Mark reminded me yesterday that I always told him to mind his own business whenever he wanted to make a suggestion. He thinks that you're going to have to answer a lot of questions about what you represented to BofA before they bought Merrill, and some questions about those early bonus checks that you signed...

Sunday With Bernie: Psycho Babblers

Posted on January 25, 2009
So, one New York Times reporter gets a book deal to write about me, and the rest of you come down with a case of shpilkis and write more stories that make no sense??To whoever it was that managed to get yourself a bi-line in today's Sunday business section: You need to get more credible people to comment; a former FBI agent portrays me as a 'psychopath'??!Its obvious that you, or that shmendrick you interviewed don't know the difference between a psychopath and a sociopath...

I'm Letting Ruth Put In Her 2 Cents

Posted on January 24, 2009
Yes, Ruth, that big fellow to the right is scary looking. And no, its not our housekeeper's son kvetching about the Christmas bonuses. He's a singer, Ruth. And, I hear he's a pussycat. So stop with the "lets lock the doors and windows.."More important, I wasn't the one that told him how to invest his money!! Is this someone you remember us having dinner with?? I don't think so...

Mid-Day With Bernie: Media Chazari

Posted on January 23, 2009
Oy Gevalt! is all that I can say right now.We're releasing Al Queda leaders from Guantanamo back into Yemen, and all the media can talk about is me??!!!OK..Let's get a few things straight:1. Of course I'm not in such good health right now! I'm not such a young guy anymore, and all this tsuris is taking a toll...

Hank Paulson Offered Top Job at Madoff's MIDAS Fund; Tax Carry Forward and Carry Out

Posted on January 22, 2009
Internal MemoStanley BingFortune MagazineDear Stanley:Since you're one of the lead investors in the new Madoff MIDAS Fund, I just wanted to give you a heads up that I'm planning to offer Hank Paulson the top job at the new fund. He's out of a job now, and who else is better at raising a few hundred billion real quick for the purpose of buying distressed assets?Sure, I've bashed him for turning TARP into one big Fart, but putting him at the helm of our fund, and making him the front man makes great sense...

Madoff in The Afternoon: Accounting Software

Posted on January 21, 2009
In all due respect, if Tim Geithner, the nice boy that's replacing Hank Paulson as Treasury Secretary has f--king problems using TurboTax, how can anyone think that I wouldn't run into a few problems with the software we used to put out our brokerage statements??!!Ruth--get me that defibrillator!!!Oy...

Bernie Bares It All; Fortune's Stanley Bing To Be Lead Investor in MIDAS Fund

Posted on January 21, 2009
While my son Mark is busy kvetching to people about which private school he can or can't afford to send his kid to ( Btw--Mark--Who the f--k told you to spend 6 1/2 big ones for a god damned mansion next to a bunch of gentiles in Nantucket when the god damned real estate market was like a falling knife??!!!What did you think, that last June was the f--king bottom? Did I tell you it was the bottom?? I don't remember...

Bernie Bares It All For Jane's CNBC Exclusive; Fortune's Stanley Bing To Be Lead Investor in MIDAS Fund

Posted on January 21, 2009
While my son Mark is busy kvetching to people about which private school he can or can't afford to send his kid to (Btw,Mark--Who the f--k told you to spend 6 1/2 big ones for a god damned mansion next to a bunch of gentiles in Nantucket when the damned real estate market was like a falling knife??!!!What did you think? That last June was the f--king bottom? Did I tell you it was the bottom?? I don't remember...

Madoff at The Movies: I Didn't Want to Show This, But...

Posted on January 20, 2009
I'm not endorsing, promoting or authorizing this video clip. I'm not even sure if its legal for me to post it. But since I don't know if its legal or not, than I can't be charged with anything. Its the dopamine.There's some kid named Drew that made it, even though I told him that Stevie Spielberg is going to be handling the film rights...

Madoff Clawbacks: Bernie's Best Advice; My Congrats to President Obama

Posted on January 20, 2009
First- to President Obama:Ruth, me, my sons, and Ira just want to extend to you and your family our warmest wishes and best regards.You're an inspiration to tens of millions of Americans, including us; and we're all looking forward to your leadership...

Mid-Day Monday With Madoff--I'm Answering Mail

Posted on January 19, 2009
To the several readers that are making a nuisance with their nonsense about Sonny Delaire.Let's get something straight, between two meshugana sons, Sonny Cohn, Sonny Delaire, and my sister Sonnie, I'm up to my pupik with "sonny this" and "sonny that"...

Why Would I Know Art Nadel?? Or Ragu? (is that how you pronounce it?)

Posted on January 18, 2009
In response to one of my readers: No. I don't think I know an Arthur Nadel. Why? You really think that he had invested his investor money with me?? The only thing I read is that he's missing, and that people are saying they lost $400 million.Media hype again, they probably lost 1/4 of that after counting how much Nadel probably returned to them...

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