Law Humor

Deal..Or No Deal Time

Posted on March 27, 2009
Wasn't that hilarious - that photo from yesterday?? You kids think I'm going nuts in here? Not your Bernie. I have plenty of company from the SEC, and, Ira and the feds.. More than enough people to talk to. In fact, I could use a little peace and quiet once in a while...

Press Conference Today...

Posted on March 26, 2009
No thanks to the Feds that are busy interrogating every line in this blog, and the moron media reporters that are getting my story ass backwards, not to mention Peter's ass being frozen yesterday for no good reason, we've decided to issue a special statement later today...

Late Night Ruth

Posted on March 26, 2009
To: Bernard Madoff #61727-054.From: Mrs. Ruth A. MadoffConfidentialDO NOT OPEN. Husband-Wife Confidentiality.Terrific. Covered all the bases, didn't you. Busy Boy Bernie, like always. Lucky you took that speed reading course when we were in France last summer...

Deal..Or No Deal Time

Posted on March 26, 2009
Wasn't that hilarious - that photo from yesterday?? You kids think I'm going nuts in here? Not your Bernie. I have plenty of company from the SEC, and, Ira and the feds.. More than enough people to talk to. In fact, I could use a little peace and quiet once in a while...

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Madoff's UnAnnounced Release...OK..So it was announced..

Posted on March 26, 2009
OK, sorry this is a bit late, but you should only know what the line was like here trying to use the only f--king laptop in the library.Which happens to be the one that I donated!!Fine. Whatever. So first I had to wait on the two guys that were using their online accounts at that TradeMonster to cover their frozen shorts, and then everyone wanted to ask Obama questions online during his Town Hall meeting today, and that screwed up my schedule...

Its Getting Very Cold..More Freezing!

Posted on March 25, 2009
To: Ira From Bernie Even from here, I have to take care of every little damn thing for you people and pay you on top of that! We're gonna have a talk about this when I see you next. Stop whining for god's sake. I'm the one in the 8X8 cell with no satellite TV and no golf...

I Told You..Its MY Bat & Ball

Posted on March 25, 2009
From: IraTo: BernieThis correspondence is protected by all rights and privileges associated with lawyer-client confidentiality. As such, any/all employees of the Metropolitan Correctional Facility are hereby notified that making copies, distributing this, or sharing this correspondence shall be considered a violation of Federal law...

I'm Still Here..So, Please Pass The Onion Rings!!

Posted on March 24, 2009
Between Ruth's ramblings, the cockamamie Cohn's at Cohmad, and the three ring circus in Gibraltar, I can't get 10 f--king minutes of peace and quiet?? Not even in here?!Speaking of three rings, Willy- either you're totally f--king blind or just plain stupid...

Please Deliver To Bernie Madoff...

Posted on March 24, 2009
Bernie, Darling,I had Willy hand deliver this, and I'm hoping he can still read the building numbers. I pray that it gets to you!Please don't get too upset about that picture of me going to the store. How hilarious was the idea of ME --RUTH ALPERN MADOFF shopping at Food Emporium...

Ruth Reflecting

Posted on March 23, 2009
Bernie, darling-This has become a living nightmare. After those monsters tracked me down when I was buying cheese the other day, I had to put Plan PB. into action. I only wish that I had the defib with me so that I could zap that idiot with the camera...

Girls Talk...Too Much!!

Posted on March 22, 2009
Mom- I wrote to Daddy last week and he didn't even have the decency to answer. What is UP with him, anyway? Who told him to hire a lawyer with a name like " Rusty Wing"?? God. Who even IS that? Remember when we were young, and we used to watch reruns of " I Love Lucy," and Ricky would always say, "Lucy, You've got some 'splaining to do...

Bernie Brainstorming from Behind Bars

Posted on March 21, 2009
Mark-Thanks for stopping by. The f--king guards took the turkey sandwich. Fine. Let them enjoy.The book that you left was very thoughtful, but since your brother is going to need to figure out how to survive on his own for a change, you should give it to him...

Bernie on Bonuses & Bitches..Mark Madoff Steps In..

Posted on March 20, 2009
To: DadFrom: MarkDad-It was good seeing you, even if you didn't look so great.Between your mumbling and the twitching thing, I couldn't make out too much, but I hope you enjoy the TP that I left with you.Don't worry, I left plenty of tips, and told everyone to the scroll to the right and leave a tip here on the blog...

Dear Diary: From Ruth

Posted on March 20, 2009
Dear Diary, My boys - they may not be the brightest bulbs in the Baccarat chandelier, but they do protect me.Of course, they each owe me millions, but they know I would never try to collect - unless I really, truly needed it. They have character, my boys! I wonder where they got it from? And who would I give to if not to my boys...

Accounting for the Accountants: Walk Backwards. Don't Bend Over.

Posted on March 19, 2009
Mark-I know that you're trying to do the right thing, but its going to be a circus here again today, so don't let your Mother come this morning.Just you. She'll understand.Andy is too busy whining about why you got $22 mil and he only got $9 mil. I thought a Wharton education might have made him smarter...

Morning Memo..From Mark

Posted on March 18, 2009
TO: Mom, Andrew,Uncle Peter, Shana, Marion From: Mark Hi everyone. I am seizing this moment , as the oldest son, and the one LEAST involved in whatever it was Dad was doing, to say we MUST get together: JUST US - no lawyers, no outsiders, no dates ( Andrew - you're coming stag to this meeting!)...

RSVP to Mark: Accounting Matters.

Posted on March 18, 2009
Mark-You can circle the wagons all you want, but in case you haven't heard, some of us are getting squeezed like lemons. And, if its one thing an accountant doesn't like, its getting squeezed. We have enough of that during tax season.If your Dad left you Konigsberg's cell phone #, you might want to get hold of him and ask him to join you and the family at Thursday's meeting...

I Might Be Barred, But I'm Still Blogging!

Posted on March 17, 2009
I might be barred, but I can still blog!For all of you asking, the people here are taking good care of me, and the library is actually not so bad--and my laptop connects just fine, but its true about the food. The omelets aren't that great, and the sausages are undercooked, but the bagels here are10x better than the stale crap that the ingrates down the street from us sold me every morning...

Andy's Angst..

Posted on March 17, 2009
Dad-I don't know what Shana is complaining about--at least she can get a job selling shoes. Unlike Mark, I didn't have an account at Oppenheimer, and the crap that you and Mom have said about me is torpedoing my Jdate profile.Let's get some things straight-1...

Shana's Shame..

Posted on March 17, 2009
Dear Daddy,This was NOT supposed to happen. You promised me. When I would have my anxiety attacks, you always said, "Darling, Don't worry. Trust your Uncle Bernie, and nothing bad will happen." Daddy, is it possible you are a Big Shmuck? I gave myself in actual marriage to the SEC to make sure nothing bad would happen...

Peter Pipes In...

Posted on March 16, 2009
As many of you know, my brother Bernie is indisposed this morning, and since I was in charge of everything whenever Bernie might have been traveling, its up to me (that's my mug in the middle) to make sure that everything is in compliance.Sure, everyone is saying "Well...

Bernie-Its Just As Cold Out Here!!!

Posted on March 16, 2009
Bernie, darling-Those bastards wouldn't let me visit you today. They said that you were having your nails done, but I can't believe that for a minute!!I've already told Peter Chavkin that this is inexcusable! They treat the people at Guantanamo Bay better!! What was the point of making so many donations to that good-for-nothing Chuck Schumer??!! But, Peter is very cute and very charming, so I'm sure he'll be able to help Ira with getting you out of there quickly...

Ruth Ruminating; Sunday Morning Without My Midas

Posted on March 15, 2009
Dear Diary, I'm heartsick. Sunday mornings were always our favorite. Sometimes we used to fool around a little, then Brunch from Zabars or Murray's The Sturgeon King. Bagels with creme fraiche and Scottish salmon, and maybe one yolk in the egg white omelet for color, good coffee - that always sent Bernie to the bathroom for a long while so I could put on my make-up...

Baby Ruth Ballad to Bernie

Posted on March 14, 2009
To: BernieFrom: Baby RuthI did stop by to visit yesterday, but they said that you were busy setting up the printer, so I left the bottle of Soapopular hand sanitizer with the guard. Don't forget to use it! I don't want you catching anything before Ira gets you out!!Its funny, last night I thought about how when Andy went to sleep-away camp for the first time, the counselor would call telling us how he used to wet the bed so much because he was homesick...

Busting Bernie's Balls..

Posted on March 13, 2009
To: Mrs. Ruth MadoffFrom: Jeffrey Immelt, CEO General Electric Corp.Dear Mrs. Madoff-On behalf of the entire GE family, other than Jane Wells, who we all agree does a fantastic job of fair and balanced reporting, I want to extend my apology to you for the manner in which the other CNBC news staff have behaved during the past few weeks...

Madoff Morning Flash: Tweeting Updates for the Twits

Posted on March 12, 2009
Everybody knows that my split strike hedge strategy was ingenious, so just in case Judge Denny makes a stupid decision this morning, and doesn't realize that I can sing much better from my co-op, to make sure that I can still deliver the consistent returns you've been getting here every day since December 12, I'll keep updating everyone through my new Twitter account...

Bernie's Bars..This Show Isn't Over!!

Posted on March 12, 2009
What? Somebody thinks that we were surprised by Judge Denny's decision this morning??!!Of course not!!Which is exactly why Ruth got together on Tuesday with Susan B. for the 'decorating trip'. Just read Tuesday's posting!!!!Anyway, thanks to Judge Denny for allowing Susan to come by and fix this place up in advance...

Deal or No Deal. The Main Court House Event

Posted on March 11, 2009
Here's the deal; just like I said on Monday--we don't offer deals, and Marcia Cohn says that we've only got (5) $2500 seats left for those that want to sit behind me in the courthouse tomorrow.And, Rosy B. says she counts only (11) General Admission seats are left...

TALF Funds Rejected by Bank of Greenwich; TALC Option Embraced By Shvitzers

Posted on March 11, 2009
To Noel L.From: BLMSorry for not getting back to you sooner. Yesterday was a hectic day, and I've been busy all day today preparing for my stupid speech tomorrow.Anyway, I'm thinking that your idea about Bank of Greenwich turning down the "TALF" money is the right move, even if Walter and some of the other depositors are kvetching about the values of their properties and that some of the others are getting very nervous...

Thanks for Wave, Denny!

Posted on March 10, 2009
Ruth-Forget the dinner plans with Judge Chin. He says he thinks some people might think its a conflict, so I waved it off.The damn courthouse was a pigsty, just like the last time, so thanks for putting that bottle of Zoloft into my jacket.Otherwise, everything worked out as expected...

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